Chaos theory/Mark Jalkanen
By Mark Jalkanen/DMG Web ColumnistBear with us for a moment as we reminisce one of the forgotten, perhaps deliberately, coaches to wander the sidelines of the North over the past 20 years and then provide the reason for our Super Special Improved Intense Breaking Exclusive First-Time Monday Edition.
Packer fans will remember him as the guy who was the offensive coordinator in Green Bay during the stellar years from 1992-1999 that included two appearances in the Super Bowl. What many won't remember is that he wasn't allowed to call plays from 1992-1998 since Mike Holmgren considered that his prerogative. In 1999, he was given the reins of the offense during the eminently forgettable Ray Rhodes era, err, year, the only year from 1992-2005, a span of 14 seasons, that the Packers did not post a winning record. The fact that Rhodes and his coordinator were gone before Auld Lang Syne was sung to end the century (prior to the massive Y2K computer shut down that never happened) was not a coincidence.
Where do bad coaches often find gainful employment? Yep, you guessed it, Minnesota (hi Brad).
Viking fans will remember that he was hired as the offensive coordinator in Minnesota from 2000-2001 and due to his ineptitude Dennis Green actually stripped him of his play-calling duties while a game was in progress (regress?). Apparently, it was too little too late because Green and his coordinator lost their jobs at the end of that season.
Where do exceptionally bad coaches often find gainful employment? Yep, you guessed it, Detroit.
Lion fans (hello Dans) have the 2003-2004 seasons as a reference-set for him. He was the offensive coordinator under Steve Mariucci during his first two years as head coach and contributed to Mariucci not making it through his third season.
Not to be left out of the stroll down NFC North memory lane, Chicagoans will fondly remember that the Bears were the team that was playing the Vikings when Green asked him to remove his headset and were fortunate enough to be the opposing team for many of his NFC North play-calling follies.
It may simply be a coincidence that he has left a trail of fired head coaches in his wake, however, with such a shabby resume we can't figure out how this guy keeps finding jobs.
And now in the worst job market in decades, he does it again.
Where does an exceptionally bad owner continue to run his team into the ground?
Yes, Oakland is an obvious answer, but we were looking for something a little more creative.
For additional evidence that nothing good is happening in our nations' Capitol, err capital, err both, look no further than the hiring of, drumroll please, Sherman Lewis as a consultant for the woebegone Redskins.
Sherm was hired by Daniel Snyder two weeks ago as a "fresh set of eyes" (as explained by Vinny Cerrato) which must be a euphemism for "not Jim Zorn". Bringing in the coaching equivalent of a black cat, walking under a ladder, Friday the 13th, or a broken mirror, means that if Zorn's ticket out of D.C. wasn't already paid for, reservations have officially been made.
And chaos has arrived.
It was reported last week (by Fanhouse) that Mike Shanahan rejected Snyder's offer to assume the head coaching position of the Redskins starting immediately. While not a euphemism, it is still not a good sign for head coach Jim Zorn. Somebody just paid for his ticket.
And chaos has arrived in full force.
Well, at least Lewis wasn't brought in to call plays since by now everyone is familiar with the fact that he has been out of football since his time in Detroit (four years) and was volunteering as a bingo caller in the (Government) Motor City just two weeks ago.
Uh oh, extreme chaos.
It was announced last week, after the embarrassing loss to the Chiefs, that Sherm would be taking over the play calling duties (that sound you heard was a collective chuckle emanating from Chicago, Minneapolis, Green Bay, and Detroit) from Zorn. Bingo caller to play caller in about the time it takes the residents of Munich to celebrate Oktoberfest.
Insult to injured job prospects for Zorn. We now have acute chaos.
Why wouldn't Zorn, and the guys who have been coaching the team since 2008, be thrilled that a guy who has been roaming around the building (with fresh eyes) will be calling plays on Monday night? Which soon-to-be canned coach is going to be amenable to coaching the new coach on the finer points of the offense? After Shanahan who will be the next guy to turn down a midseason job offer? More importantly, after Sherman who will be the next guy to accept, and why (other than money)?
Breaking: Rumor of Snyder bringing in Matt Millen to help with personnel decisions has been found to be completely untrue, but not at all unbelievable.
In May 1999, Snyder bought one of the best franchises in the NFL and during his first season (before he could do any damage) the team went 10-6 and beat the Lions (the last time the Lions were in the playoffs) in a wild card game before losing to the Buccaneers in the divisional round. The only other time during his decade of dysfunctional ownership that the team enjoyed that type of success was in 2005 when they also went 10-6, beat the Bucs in a wild card game, and then lost to Seattle in the divisional round.
It might come as a surprise to those who erroneously believe that the Redskins have been one of the more successful teams of the past decade, but those were the only playoff victories under Snyder and, in fact, his teams have produced a lowly cumulative record of 78-88 (going into tonight's game versus Philly).
The belief in the faux success of the Skins may be due to the fact that Dan has won the unofficial offseason championship on numerous occasions, including this spring when he signed Albert Haynesworth and DeAngelo Hall, and in 2000 when he brought (bought) in Deion Sanders and Bruce Smith. Sanders may have been the worst free agent signing ever, and due to the impact for dollar quotient, it is impossible to defend most of what Snyder has done in the offseason including the signings of Brandon Lloyd, Mark Carrier, Dana Stubblefield, Jeremiah Trotter, Jesse Armstead, Adam Archuleta etc.
A simpler way to expose the underlying, and perpetual/perennial, chaos is simply to ask, who was the best free agent signed by the Skins in the last decade? Silent room equals point made.
Snyder has also had a flair for the chaotic when dealing with coaches. He inherited Norv Turner as his head coach and fired him with three games remaining in the 2000 season. Norv was replaced in 2001 by Marty Schottenheimer and Snyder explained, "I think that it says it all that I hired Marty Schottenheimer. I didn't hire Norv. Someone else did that. Marty is my manager." Marty, his manager, lasted one season because he may have been too much like ketchup when Snyder is clearly more of a Tabasco man.
Enter Steve Spurrier with a dash of his famous ol' ball coach homespun saucy malarkey to ratchet up the Scoville units a notch. Oh well, after two disastrous years, and a flushing of $10 million, habanero must've been the way to go.
Say hello to Joe, as in Gibbs. The legend returns and the heat is on.
Gibbs coached the Skins from 1981-1992 and led the team to four Super Bowls (won three) and made the playoffs in 8 of his 12 seasons. Somehow Snyder coaxed him back to the sidelines (Gibbs should have known better) and after four years of tarnishing his legend Gibbs decided to retire in Jan. 2008.
Jim Zorn was then hired on January 25, 2008, as, no kidding, the Skins offensive coordinator/play caller with no head coach in place. Sixteen days later Zorn was promoted to the head coaching position, presumably after he did such a stellar job coordinating offense and calling plays during the offseason.
Other than completely misunderstanding coaching and free agency, another point that Snyder seems to have missed is that this is a quarterback-driven league. There is evidence that he may have warmed up to this idea since he did try, unsuccessfully, to trade for Jay Cutler and move up, also unsuccessfully, to draft Mark Sanchez. A cynic would simply suppose that after years of being bludgeoned with the masterful skills of Brad Johnson (leading passer 1999-2000) Tony Banks (2000), Patrick Ramsey (2002-2004), Mark Brunell (2005-2006) and Jason Campbell (2007-present, but not much longer) there may have been a little creation/evolution of urgency.
It is hard, if not impossible, to find success when a team has the instability of six head coaches and five leading passers in 10 years and, since the turnstiles are almost certainly going to spin again, with Zorn being relegated to keeping a seat warm and Campbell spotted doing the same to the bench, get ready for coach seven and quarterback six. The success strategies being employed in Washington must be from the top secret plans that most average folks are not privy to and only those in positions of power (or members of Skull and Bones or the Freemasons) are able to utilize.
As Snyder once said, "those that know how to succeed know how to not make the same mistake over and over again. That is how you succeed, and that's something I've done all my life."
Well, not quite all of your life; and with regard to the same mistake over and over, we would add that your recent actions speak much louder than your quote. Leadership chaos ensues.
Note: The Extremely Special Monday Edition was done so ya'll could assess the merits of the Sherman Lewis Chaos Project for yourselves on Monday Night Football. Enjoy.
SPECIAL MONDAY BONUS PREDICTION
Eagles minus 7 at Washington --- The Eagles are coming off a loss in Oakland and are now traveling to play Washington. We are assuming (you/me) that they can't lose both. Philly is also the first team that the Skins have faced that has tallied a win (at time of meeting).
WEEK 8 PREDICTIONS (16-16 overall)
NFC North (1-2 last week, 12-8 season)
Green Bay minus 3 versus Minnesota --- Punx returns to town with one win against his old team and leaves with one loss versus his old team. He suffers his first Green interception and Gold sack and the Packer victory means that each team has two losses setting up what should be an extremely intriguing stretch run.
Chicago minus 12 versus Cleveland --- The Browns can't score so they can't win, or cover.
Detroit minus 3 versus St. Louis --- If Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson are playing the Lions should win, otherwise, ugh.
Best Bets (1-0 last week, 4-8 season)
Denver plus 4 at Baltimore --- Since the Broncos have destroyed our record we apply the old adage that if you can't beat 'em join 'em. This probably means that they'll get their first loss of the year.
PEEVE OF THE WEEK
Ignoring the Peltzman Effect when making decisions.
For those that are unfamiliar with the concept, the Peltzman Effect is the tendency of people to increase risky behavior due to safety regulations. It is named after Dr. Sam Peltzman, an economics professor from the University of Chicago.
A common example is that seatbelt laws, due to making people safer, actually encourage more risky driving behavior and, in the aggregate, the risky driving offsets some of the safety benefits of the law.
Perhaps taking a different view might lead to a greater understanding of the effect. For example, how would a lack of helmets change the games of football or hockey? How have snow tires and four-wheel drive changed the driving habits of people during the winter?
The light of the Peltzman Effect should be shined on some of our most well-intended and noble (Nobel?) government programs. It may lead to a greater understanding of unintended, though often obvious, consequences from such actions.
The airbag (might that be hot air?) that is "free" government health care could lead to many people caring less about their health than they currently do (is that possible?).
The Social Security seatbelt has become the de facto retirement account for many Americans. Having the plan has created a false sense of saving for people who aren't really saving and due to the government safety net millions of citizens simply quit saving for retirement and rely on the government to take care of them.
Increased fuel efficiency regulations also have negative effects. Higher mileage vehicles encourage many people to consider living further from their place of employment. The resulting increase in miles driven negates some of the effect of fuel efficiency, adds to highway congestion, and the additional time spent on the road leads to more accidents.
Uncle Sam, along with Aunt Fannie and Cousin Freddie, made home ownership safe and affordable for millions of Americans who now need help from Sam, Freddie, and Fannie to stay in their homes. Bubble. Burst. Foreclose. Rinse. Repeat (the same mistakes in another form).
What would be the effect of extending unemployment benefits indefinitely? A large segment of the population would choose to never work again. Welcome to France.
Despite the contradictions and prohibitions in the Constitution our leaders want to provide for us. Due to their largesse we are quickly becoming a country of people who believe that government is supposed to, and allowed to, solve their problems.
As prescient English philosopher and Peeve favorite Herbert Spencer said over 100 years ago, "The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools."
The more the government does for the people, the less the people will do for themselves. In the new age of Robin Hood politics we are not only redistributing wealth we are redistributing risk. By providing social seatbelts, we have reduced the consequences of irresponsible behavior thus encouraging irresponsible behavior. In doing so we are shifting the risk of such behavior from those who should feel the pain of their poor decisions (and duly change their behavior) to those who choose not abdicate their responsibilities. We have forced the responsible segment of society to become a safety net for the irresponsible. The effect of this has been to increase the size of government in response to the growing size of the irresponsible populace or, to increase the size of the irresponsible populace in correlation with the expansion of government. Viewed either way, are these really the kind of outcomes that we are aspiring to achieve?
INDISCRIMINATE MUSINGS
In a Peltzman perversion we wonder what would happen if airbags were replaced by darts tipped with lethal poison? Musings believes that this modification would save more lives than airbags because certain death is likely to be an effective deterrent to unsafe driving.
The Redskins are the only team in the last 23 Detroit games to be Lionized and as Eagles fans everywhere know, there ain't no way to hide your Lionized.
The Bills, Chiefs, and Bucs each fired their offensive coordinators during the preseason and they have combined to post a 4-17 record. In related news, the Redskins have emasculated their head coach and offensive play caller. Results to be determined.
Chaos theory is the study of unpredictable dynamic systems that are highly sensitive to changes in external conditions. Even seemingly small occurrences can significantly affect the outcomes of seemingly unrelated events.
Even seemingly smart owners can negatively affect the outcomes of seasons (decades).
We often wonder in the age of political correctness how the Redskins are able to maintain their moniker. It is a term that even the least PC folks only use in public when discussing the NFL or potatoes.
Oktoberfest is the fall celebration, usually about 16 days long, in Germany that features 6 million people eating a lot of pork and drinking copious amounts of beer. Musings is more than a little intrigued.
The Scoville scale measure the heat of peppers based on the amount of capsaicin.
This week's entry from the "we wish we'd thought of that department" comes from Troy Aikman who said recently, "The wildcat is a lot like Twitter right now. Everyone is doing it because they feel like it's what they're supposed to do, yet nobody really knows why they're doing it."
Titans head coach Jeff Fisher recently wore a Colts (Peyton Manning) jersey at a charity function and some fans were offended. After the charity that the team showed toward the Patriots last week fans should have directed their offense to the players wearing Titans jerseys.
There were some reports circulating last week that the Vikings were close to giving Brad Childress a contract extension. Fans in the North are keeping their fingers crossed.
The Packers have allowed a total of three points in the last two games and their two losses this year have been to teams with a combined 11-3 record.
On the other hand, their four wins have been against teams with a combined 5-21 record and they committed another eight unclean penalties on Sunday.
Our government is kinda like Mike McCarthy in that they both always seem to be trying to fix problems that they also have created.
Last week's Peeve didn't have the intended effect. Our local television market was forced to watch both the Jets/Raiders and Bears/Bengals disasters in their entirety even though Fox could've switched us to the Dallas/Atlanta (which they did after Chicago was over) or New Orleans/Miami (which they did after Dallas was over) and CBS could have saved us by moving to Bills/Panthers.
It was a really bad Sunday for local fans of competitive football. The early game featured Green Bay drubbing Cleveland. It got so bad that we were able to watch Green Bay backup quarterback Matt Flynn in extended play and high definition. Due to the other blowouts we also got to see backups Bruce Gradkowski (Oakland), J.T. O' Sullivan (Cincy), Caleb Hanie (Chicago), and Kellen Clemens (Jets) play quarterback. Five out of six possible backup quarterbacks played in the games featured for the locals. The only team that didn't play the reserve was the Browns but that could simply be due to the fact that their starter is the backup and his backup is really more like the third string.
It almost seems like the networks are trying to get you to turn off your television. We wonder how the sponsors feel about the policy of forcing blowout games into the homes of innocent product purchasers.
As expected, there were no significant trades at the deadline, unless you count Will Witherspoon, which we don't, so we will continue to lament the early NFL trading deadline.
The Patriots are coming! The Patriots are coming! The Patriots played (the Buccaneers) in London and Musings is trying to confirm reports of massive, though surprisingly peaceful, protests by Redcoats outside of Wembley Stadium.
In signal calling news, there were also reports of one lantern being lit if it was a running play and two if it was a pass.
The Chiefs and Rams have now lost 59 of their past 70 games.
The Rams lost their 17th straight versus Indy. Get ready Detroit!
This season Mike Vick has completed 1-for-5 passes for one yard and carried 6 times for 13 yards. Musings doesn't think that he will be the difference in the game tonight and we wonder if the Eagles regret paying $1.6 million for the same production as the Packers have received from Matt Flynn. Vick is due to make $5.6 million next year so we expect that he'll be underperforming somewhere other than Philly.
Since 1984 (just more than 25 years), the Lions have had 15 different quarterbacks lead the team in passing and ten different head coaches. In that same time period the Packers have had six coaches and six quarterbacks.
The Redskins, as you may recall, have had six (if you count Terry Robiskie, seven post-Zorn) coaches and five quarterbacks in the last ten years.
Gotta go, the pilot cats overshot the ending of this column by 150 miles.
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MNYooper
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10-29-09 2:24 PM
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rumor in Minnesota is that the pilot overshot the airport because they were in a heated discussion over the packer/viking game this weekend....not sure if there is any truth to it though.
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