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Jim Junttila: Woods Water and Worse

Tiger, Tiger burning bright

April 16, 2010
The Daily Mining Gazette

It isn't everyday that an internationally famous professional golf superstar with the same last name as the first word in my column title shows up with yet another WW&W exclusive and inspires a new correspondent all in one fell swoop.

Lucky me. Lucky you. Lucky us. You've gotta admit, Tiger Woods, Water and Worse has a nice ring to it. Though his serial infidelity threatens his marriage, it created a marriage made in satire heaven for the media in general and this column in particular.

"It's not just any scandal, but the biggest sex scandal ever in all of sports," said WW&W golf correspondent Tiger Woodsanen. It turned his professional and married lives topsy-turvy and his carefully crafted public persona and image of a squeaky clean family man is shot, but his fame and fortune remains pretty much intact.

You should know by now I like to be right in the thicket of things with the kind of hot reportage you've come to expect. I don't shy away from controversial subjects, I tend to satirize them. Being the Chinese Year of the Tiger, I decided to recognize and celebrate his return to pro golf with a special Tiger Woods, Water and Worse edition.

I've been accused of crossing the line from time to time, so I remind my more conservative readers that satire and parody are legitimate forms of humor and I retain the right to share my observations and theories about cultural, social, political and religious ideologies and idiosyncracies. As a secular non-golfing journalist, I can be totally objective on this one, without making fun of fundamentalism. Tiger claims to have been brought up Buddhist, but strayed. That's good enough for me.

"Tiger just got his two primary passions mixed up," Woodsanen theorized. "Philanthropy and philandering, it could happen to anybody."

A WW&W Opinion Dynamics poll indicated most Yoopers know the difference between philanthropy and philandering, but have never had the opportunity or enough fame and fortune to dabble at either, let alone go overboard on both like Tiger.

"I've never taken any illegal or performance enhancing drugs, not even Viagra," Woodsanen asserted. He calls Sandy Pebbles his home course, but also plays regularly at Calumet Golf Course, Keweenaw Mountain Lodge and Michigan Tech.

Imagine if Tiger's wife, Elin, files for divorce and a dozen or more assorted floozies, cocktail waitresses and lingerie models join in with a class-action suit for alienation of affection. Say his wife takes him for half of what he's worth and the other women settle for a million apiece in hush money, he'll still be a multi-millionaire and the richest guy in pro golf. Being a filthy-rich philanthropist has its advantages and buys you economic immunity from the high cost of philandering.

"With that many other women in his life, it's a wonder he has time for golf," said WW&W wildlife correspondent Paris Hiltunen. "It must get complicated when you're cheating on multiple mistresses. I thought cereal cheating meant having breakfast in bed with Special K when your sponsor is Wheaties."

All that recreational philandering, not philanthropy, didn't seem to hurt his golf swing that much. Phil Mickelson won his third Masters green jacket at Augusta, but Tiger ended up tied for fourth and wondering if his return to monogamy, not mahogany, would help or hinder his game.

"You'd think a guy named Woods would know the difference between mahogany and monogamy," Woodsanen added. "He continues to live in fear of more scorned women coming outa the woodwork. All those women were fine and dandy as long as they thought they were the only other woman. They all thought they were going to be the next Mrs. Tiger Woods. Don't they know whenever a man marries his mistress, it creates an opening for the job?"

"I thought monogamy was a fancy kind of wood they make high-end pianos and furniture out of," said Woodsanen, continuing to demonstrate his shaky command of the King's English. "Who knew PR stands for prurient restraint and personal responsibility?" he asked. 'I thought it stood for public relations; I'm a golfer, not an English major."

Jim can be reached 24/7/365 at jjunttila@chartermi.net.

 
 

 

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