"Is carnage anything like carnal?" WW&W wildlife correspondent Paris Hiltunen asked demurely. "It's one of my favorite kinds of knowledge."
You can always count on Paris to ask interesting, provocative questions. It's been an exciting, busy deer season, so much so that I may have to haul out a little comic hyperbole to support the perennially strong metaphoric content of this column. Fasten your seatbelts, it could be a bumpy ride.
"It ain't every day that four girls from the same family all get their bucks," Paris reported. "All four Tober girls hunting outa Camp Eskimo Acres deep in he Keweenaw got theirs the first week of deer season; Kristin Tober Werner shot a 160-pound 8-pointer, her eleventh buck in 8 years; then her daughter, Madison, 12, shot her first buck, a spikehorn; sister Kimberly Tober Bates and sister-in-law Kelly Tober both shot spikes.
"That's enough bucks to get on Buck LeVasseur," Paris continued, already lobbying for a special or at least a cameo appearance on his venerable 29-year-old Discovering show on WLUC-TV 6, Marquette. "Leave it to me, I know what it takes to get Buck's attention," she said confidently, "I'll pitch him the story-op." Then off she went to do just that. If you see it on TV, you'll know she got her Buck.
"Four bucks for four babes is quite the accomplishment," said ubiquitous WW&W political correspondent Sarah Palinen, hunting the U.P. and hawking her hot new book, "America by Heart," in which she characterizes herself as a "common sense conservative Christian feminist," an oxymoron by local fundamentalist standards.
"If I had her looks, books and money, I'd throw mine away," said Paris. "I know what side of the tree the moss grows on, but Sarah can find a camera crew and wrangle a sound bite blindfolded. Her new Alaska documentary is just begging for a mockumentary, and rumor has it Tina Fey already has something in the hopper, hot offa winning the prestigious Mark Twain Award."
"You gotta admit, she does have a way with making guys offers they can't refuse," Sarah sighed. "All the girls would do well to take lessons from Paris in that department, she gets her buck every year without firing a shot. She knows guys who are more passionate about deer hunting than their wives," she added.
The biggest trophy bucks I've seen so far this season were an awesome 8-point/238-pounder shot by Seth Loyd, a monster 11-pointer with a 17-3/4" inside spread shot by Chris Little, a 12-pointer shot by George Twardzik, a 10-point 190-pounder with a 19" outside spread shot by Kevin Patana, a 10-pointer by Dan Glinn, 8-pointer by Larry Smith, 8-pointer by Jacob Mitchell, 16, his first buck. Marc Panijan, 5 point, Joe Boulton, Cliff Hannula, Mike Salmela and Bill Sandretto all shot 4 pointers. Stop by the Cliff View, Vansville, Phoenix Store, L&L, Drift Inn, Bear Belly Bar, Maple Leaf, Gay Bar, Church in the Valley, Mosquito Inn and Rousseau Bar for the latest buck pools and barstool hunting reports. "Six- and eight-pointers seem pretty commonplace and the woods are fulla spikes and forkhorns," said WW&W whitetail correspondent John Deer from his perch at the White House.
A special Yooper wintry mix of rain, freezing rain, sleet, snow, snot and snail howled horizontally through the hardwoods, greeting Keweenaw hunters and huntresses as they stepped into the woods for the second weeka deer camp. Twenty-five to thirty-five mile-per-hour winds gusting to 50 mph rattled the bare boreal branches enough to make antler rattling redundant. I was well-intentioned, but no matter how blind my ambition, it isn't my favorite kinda weather to be sitting in a blind, treestand or beating and bleating around the bush.
It was the kinda day you wanted to be somewhere dry and warm like Hooters watching football. My stand inside snug Camp Frimodig is dry and warm, but there's no TV, running water nor indoor plumbing. An awesome woodstove set on cruise control for optimum mileage, burns along on a steady diet of a face cord a day. Not too shabby for a waterfront deer camp with a bunkhouse.
In other outdoor news, "partridge sightings are up among U.P. deer hunters," said WW&W grouse & quail correspondent, Bob White. Mt. Bohemia and Mont Ripley are as white as the freshly driven snow, and a good-sized gaggle of about 20 geese are still hanging around Copper Harbor, being more productive on our behalf than the lame duck session of Congress in Washington.
Jim can be reached 24/7/365 at firstname.lastname@example.org, even during deer camp.