We enjoy comments made by and about youngsters, but what about a leap to the opposite end of the age spectrum to see what oldsters might have to say:
Mark Twain said, "20 years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do." Perhaps so. Then consider a 104-year-old woman who was asked, "And what do you think is the best thing about being your age?" She replied, "No peer pressure."
Just before a funeral service, the undertaker asked the widow, "How old was your husband?" "He was 98, two years older than me." "So you're 96." She responded with a wry smile, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will. To the lawyer, she said, "I want two final requests: First, I want to be cremated, and, second, I want my ashes scattered all over Wal-Mart." "Why Wal-Mart?" the lawyer asked. Her reply: "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me at least twice a week."
One old timer talks about signs of wear with age:
- Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
- Old is when your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one. I can't do both."
- Old is when you're cautioned to slow down by the doctor and not the police.
Oldsters also look back at the past in sad comparison to the present scene:
- Pride has been removed from appearances.
- Courtesy is gone.
- Romance is no longer love.
- Commitment is gone from marriage.
- Responsibility has been taken out of parenthood.
- Togetherness is gone from family.
- Learning is no longer part of education.
- Civility has been taken out of behavior.
- Refinement no longer applies to language.
- Dedication is gone from employment.
- The melody has been taken out of music.
- God is gone from government and school.
On the positive side, old geezers retain a sense of irony in raising a family:
- You spend the first two years of your children's lives teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up.
- Your children seldom misquote you; in fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
- The main reason for holding children's parties is to remind you that there are kids more awful than your own.
- Yet you realize that grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own.
And, finally, oldsters can smile and say:
- At my age, a Happy Hour is a nap.
- I'm retired. I was tired yesterday. I'm tired again today.
- The only thing about retirement is that you never get a day off.
- At my age, "Getting any?" means sleep.
- Eat right and exercise. Die anyway.
- Live each day as if it's your last. One day you'll get it right.
- I'm young at heart, but slightly older in other places.
- I speed when I drive because I want to get there before I forget where I'm going.
- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
- I don't think about dying; it's the last thing I want to do.
- My memory's not so sharp as it used to be. My memory's not so sharp as it used to be.
- I'm getting into swing dancing, but not on purpose; some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
- I try not to let aging get me down. It's too hard to get back up.
- I don't stop laughing because I grow old; I grow old when I stop laughing.
- I'm nice to my kids because they will choose my nursing home one day.
Rotten Tomatoes average: "Captain America," B-