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In the Catbird Seat/Joe Kirkish

Wisdom from some oldsters

July 28, 2011
The Daily Mining Gazette

We enjoy comments made by and about youngsters, but what about a leap to the opposite end of the age spectrum to see what oldsters might have to say:

Mark Twain said, "20 years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do." Perhaps so. Then consider a 104-year-old woman who was asked, "And what do you think is the best thing about being your age?" She replied, "No peer pressure."

Just before a funeral service, the undertaker asked the widow, "How old was your husband?" "He was 98, two years older than me." "So you're 96." She responded with a wry smile, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will. To the lawyer, she said, "I want two final requests: First, I want to be cremated, and, second, I want my ashes scattered all over Wal-Mart." "Why Wal-Mart?" the lawyer asked. Her reply: "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me at least twice a week."

One old timer talks about signs of wear with age:

- Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

- Old is when your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one. I can't do both."

- Old is when you're cautioned to slow down by the doctor and not the police.

Oldsters also look back at the past in sad comparison to the present scene:

- Pride has been removed from appearances.

- Courtesy is gone.

- Romance is no longer love.

- Commitment is gone from marriage.

- Responsibility has been taken out of parenthood.

- Togetherness is gone from family.

- Learning is no longer part of education.

- Civility has been taken out of behavior.

- Refinement no longer applies to language.

- Dedication is gone from employment.

- The melody has been taken out of music.

- God is gone from government and school.

On the positive side, old geezers retain a sense of irony in raising a family:

- You spend the first two years of your children's lives teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut up.

- Your children seldom misquote you; in fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

- The main reason for holding children's parties is to remind you that there are kids more awful than your own.

- Yet you realize that grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own.

And, finally, oldsters can smile and say:

- At my age, a Happy Hour is a nap.

- I'm retired. I was tired yesterday. I'm tired again today.

- The only thing about retirement is that you never get a day off.

- At my age, "Getting any?" means sleep.

- Eat right and exercise. Die anyway.

- Live each day as if it's your last. One day you'll get it right.

- I'm young at heart, but slightly older in other places.

- I speed when I drive because I want to get there before I forget where I'm going.

- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

- I don't think about dying; it's the last thing I want to do.

- My memory's not so sharp as it used to be. My memory's not so sharp as it used to be.

- I'm getting into swing dancing, but not on purpose; some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

- I try not to let aging get me down. It's too hard to get back up.

- I don't stop laughing because I grow old; I grow old when I stop laughing.

- I'm nice to my kids because they will choose my nursing home one day.

Rotten Tomatoes average: "Captain America," B-

 
 

 

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