To the editor:
As Mark Twain once said, "The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated."
So, in order to dispel the increasing rumors and relentless phone calls about my demise from friends, foes and relatives, I felt it necessary to put this article in The Daily Mining Gazette.
I assure you that in spite of my uncanny resemblance and effluvium to that of a corpse, I am not the poor, unfortunate soul who was apparently recovered by my house recently.
I have heard that I was murdered, and that my wife may have done it. (Now that would have been justifiable homicide, I think). Someone even went so far as to check and see if she was at work at the time of the "murder." (Wow!)
I have heard it was suicide and all sorts of things. Well, I assure you it was none of the above. I am still here, alive and well, much to the chagrin of some and the relief of others.
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For the sake of a reality check, this is not a fairy tale. In real life, hideous ogres and cantankerous, loudmouthed windbags such as myself do not go away just because you want them to. I shall hopefully be around for years to come and be a continual irritant with my opinions and insufferable arrogance.
All joking aside, I would like to thank all who were seriously concerned about the news of my "death." However, I am sure there are more important things that require immediate attention in the world than my well being.
Happy New Year to you all. May God bless you, and may you prosper and be in good health in 2012.