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In the Catbird Seat/Joe Kirkish

Humor from the ‘Deep South’

February 23, 2012
The Daily Mining Gazette

Despite the fact that we in these United States are bound together by a single purpose, to meld into one great melting pot, regional differences still remain - regional accents, regional patterns in social behavior, variations in local "code-of-the-hills," etc. Here are a few reasons to smile at what might be considered typical in the Deep South:

A young man from Mississippi came running up to his buddy and cried, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot." "Did you see who did it?" his friend asked. The young man replied, "No, I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an 8-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Oh, he had a stroke of some kind; I left him back up the trail a couple miles." "You left Henry lying out there and carried the deer back?" His response would make sense to a Southerner: "Well, it was a tough call. But I figured no one is going to steal Henry."

A senior citizen in Louisiana said, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." "Why?" he was asked. "Because everything happens here 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he called his secretary into his office, saying. "You graduated from the U of Georgia, and I need your help. If I were to give you $20,000 minus 14 percent, how much would you take off?" After a moment's thought, the secretary replied in a Georgia drawl, "Everythang but mah earrings."

The Deep South is unique in many other ways as well. Did you know that to a Southern resident:

The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

"We don't need no dang driver's ed; if our Mama says we can drive, we can drive!"

There's no such thing as lunch - only dinner and then supper.

A possum is a flattened animal that lies in the middle of a road.

There are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 of them live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders, and all 10,000 live in the South, plus a few no one's ever seen before.

"If it grows, it'll stick ya; if it crawls, it'll bite ya."

Onced and twiced are words.

On a date, one person is expected to leave a shotgun home.

Fixinto is one word, meaning I'm planning to do that.

Iced tea is good for all meals; you start drinking it when you're two, and then get to like a little tea with your sugar. It's referred to as the Wine of the South.

Backwards and forwards means Ah knows everything about you.

The word "jeet" is a question meaning "Did you eat?"

"Jawl-P?" means "Did you go to the bathroom?"

Y'all is singular. Y'all is plural.

You own only five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require six more pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip.

Everyone you meet is Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name) or Mr. (first name).

People actually grow, eat and like okra.

They marry young. At weddings, people throw pablum, not rice.

You carry jumper cables in your car - for your own car.

You use "Bless her heart" typically with statements like, "Did you know Georgia Ann Smith from over to Kinsdale? She drowned all her kids in the bathtub last week, bless her heart."

Saturday at the Vertin Gallery in Calumet: Barbara Rose of the Keweenaw Community Foundation will be auctioning off crayon artwork created by local artists.

Rotten Tomatoes averages: "This Means War," C-; "Ghost Rider 2," D



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