Us Veales have a few verbal tics. For example, when watching baseball, I quote "Major League" reflexively.
"Uh-oh, Rexy, don't think this one's got the distance."
"Personally, I think we got hosed on that call."
My mother has been known to quote "The Wizard of Oz" on occasion - particularly, "I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog, too!" and my personal favorite - "If I ... were king ... of the forest!" (From the Cowardly Lion).
That got me to thinking. If I had unswerving control over all things sports, would I use my powers for good ... or evil?
Sing it with me ... "If I ... were king ... of the sports world!"
Decree No. 1: Debate is permanently suspended on the following topics: the designated hitter, whether or not golf is a sport and whether or not NASCAR and/or soccer are interesting.
2. Throwback or alternate jerseys designed for the sole purpose of making money are banned, starting with the Packers', which look like they were hit with an extra-large yellow bingo stamper.
3. All "1-800-CALL-SAM" ads during Detroit sports telecasts are hereby replaced with a test pattern and beep, which is only slightly less annoying.
4. College football games on Tuesdays are banned.
5. Televising spring football in any form is banned.
6. Any shot during a televised golf tournament that lands in the water is accompanied by the "Fail Horn" from "The Price is Right."
7. Team names that don't end in S are subject to stringent review. Miami Heat? OK. Tampa Bay Lightning? Only because you have Stevie Y. Utah Jazz? Sorry. Minnesota Wild? Banned forever. Use of other letters like X or Z to substitute for S is also strictly prohibited.
8. Also forced to change names? Minor or junior hockey teams whose nicknames start with Ice. No baseball or football teams are named the GrassDogs for a reason.
9. Fail an Olympic drug test? Your name is added to a scroll that runs along the bottom of the screen during all Olympic events until you die.
10. Waving at the camera from behind the plate while on your phone? Last row of the upper deck for you.
11. Instead of a penalty for shooting the puck over the glass, the offending player must do a Herbie (skate from the goal line to both blue lines and back and both red lines and back) before rejoining the play.
12. NASCAR drivers are allowed to use small weapons on each other, like in Super Mario Kart. Dale Earnhardt Jr. has been practicing driving with the invincibility star for a while now.
13. MLB Network starts a "Random Game of the Day" program in which some dusty tape is fetched from the archive and aired for no apparent reason. Expos-Reds from August 1987? Why? I say, why not?
14. The following activities are banned from ESPN: competitive eating, competitive poker and NFL Draft coverage for all months except April.
15. The serene piano music from the Masters is randomly exported to other events (NBA playoff games, The X Games), as are as the concessions prices ($2 sandwiches for all!).
So there's the beginnings of a manifesto. Now, where do I apply for this job?
Brandon Veale can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/redveale.