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In the Catbird Seat/Joe Kirkish

10 commandments?

October 4, 2012
The Daily Mining Gazette

It's a fact; we live and die by the recognitions of rules. About 2,000 years ago Moses brought the 10 Commandments down from the mountains to guide us for as long as we humans inhabit the earth. That was the beginning.

After that, as we populated the land with pets, then came the Dog Commandments:

Thou shalt not act half-starved whenever thou watchest me eat.

Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree.

Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy findest in the yard.

Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking noises.

For whatever reason, thou shalt not dig up thy neighbor's favorite flower bed.

Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy.

Thou shalt not slurp out of the toilet.

Thou shalt not pass gas in any human's presence.

Until thou hast been neutered, thou shalt not run in pursuit of a good time.

Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company.

Thou shalt not hide thy bones under my pillow.

Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone in thy presence.

Thou shalt not sneak up and lick me as I am sleeping.

Thou shalt refrain with becoming overly friendly with my mother-in-law's leg.

Years later came the Cat Commandments:

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the computer.

Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.

Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in the house.

Thou shalt not lie down with thy furry butt in thy human's face.

Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's back.

Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 3 a.m.

Thou shalt not trip thy human even if it walketh too slowly.

Thou shalt remember that thou art a carnivore and that house plants are not meat.

And more recently came the most up to date - the 10 Commandments of cellphone users:

Thou shalt not subject defenseless bystanders to public conversations. We're just not interested in your boorish twaddle.

Thou shalt not set thy ringer to play "Stayin' Alive" or Justin Bieber live in concert - or any other annoying melody. And, further, any phone that announces incoming calls should be tossed into a toilet.

Thou shalt turn thy phone off during public meetings or performances or, especially, on first dates.

Thou shalt not wear more than two wireless devices on thy belt; Batman utility belts are not cool.

Thou shalt not dial while driving. This dangerous madness must stop!

Thou shalt not wear thy earpiece in the presence of friends and co-workers. It's just plain rude.

Thou shalt not speak louder on thy cell phone than thou wouldst on any other phone. If your speaker begins to cut out, speaking louder won't help.

Thou shalt not grow too attached to thy cellphone. Being constantly "in touch" is an addictive dependency. Give the phone - and us - a rest.

Thou shalt not display thy cellphone on a restaurant table in case it might ring. This is not the Old West, where a gunslinger must have his weapon handy. If it rings, you'll hear it just as easily if it's in your pocket or purse.

Finally, thou shalt not attempt to impress with thy mobile phone - unless it's one of those space-age "Matrix" designs, interchangeable with multi-tasking services, multi-colored face with a laser-linked heads-up viewer and solar battery charger. Even then, the user shall be immediately identified as a go-with-the-flow jerk.

Check out the international buffets served at moderate prices in the MUB cafeteria every Friday at noon.

Rotten Tomatoes averages: "Looper," A; "Hotel Transylvania," C



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