Annie Lane

Dear Annie: I had always held my sister in high regard, and I loved her. She was my big sis, and I felt she loved and cared for me.

But things have happened to cause me to change my mind. About six years ago on Christmas night, my grown niece and nephew, along with their friends, were sitting at the dinner table looking through my sister’s family photo album. Loud laughter erupted from the table. I ran over because I thought I was missing out on a fun picture. The picture was of me taken 30 years earlier. I was on the bed with my little niece and nephew. I had my PJ shorts on, playing with the kids. What was funny to everyone was that my genitals were clearly displayed because the leg of my shorts gapped open.

Instead of my sister telling me to fix my shorts, she took a picture and then put it in her family photo album. Everyone laughed and laughed. I was so mortified and embarrassed. I felt like disappearing.

Later that night, my sister apologized, saying she was just randomly taking pictures that day. What does that have to do with the fact that she put a disgusting, degrading picture of me in her album? It was clearly easy to see the photo was inappropriate and should have been thrown away.

Recently, she went off when she found out I was voting for a certain candidate for political office. She went on a rabid rant and went nuts. Despite this, I spent the day with her, hoping things would improve, but they did not.

Later in the evening, she continued to bully me via text. She used personal information I had given her about how the new chemo medication I was taking made me feel. For some dumb reason, I thought that by sharing this information with her, she could help me cope. She made fun of me, mocked me and laughed at me.

I have decided that my wonderful, kind, loving sister was a person who I created in my mind; this person does not exist.

I’ve been trying for 20 years to get back a picture of my grandmother that I gave her because she said the photo would be “safe with her.” Every time I ask for the picture, she blows smoke up my behind and gives me some stupid excuse. I even told her I would have copies made so everyone in the family could have a picture of Grammy. She will not give me back the picture.

Putting all of this together in my mind, along with other questionable things she has done, I’ve decided to cancel her from my life. My sister no longer exists; she was made up in my mind anyway, so that person has never really existed.

I don’t think I’m wrong to dump this person from my life, but I would like to hear what you think. — Coping With Toxic Sister

Dear Sister: She might be your big sis, but she is way too immature to look up to. In fact, rather than cutting her off altogether, I’d suggest telling her to grow up. Tell her that she must give you that photo so you can destroy it, and she must give you the picture of Grammy. If she refuses either, then let her know that the person you thought she was no longer exists. Explain that she was trying to shame you publicly with the photo and privately by mocking your chemo news, which is appalling.

As for politics, far too many people are intolerant of other viewpoints these days, and it is a sign of immaturity, among other things. You are entitled to your opinions, and she is entitled to hers. No amount of bullying can change that.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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