As independent and self-reliant as many of us are and try to be, our relationships with other people are important as well. Whether those relationships are personal or professional, close or distant, relationships affect us throughout our lives. If your objective is to foster connection with others, whether you agree with them or not, the skill of validation may help.

Validation helps you feel better about how you conduct yourself, gives meaning to interactions (even if brief), and may help alleviate conflict between people.

Validation is a skill to practice in order to increase understanding and closeness in relationships. It does not mean agreement with things you don’t agree with or giving permission to another to act out in negative ways. Validation demonstrates that you truly see and understand (or trying to understand) another person.

Example: Margret had a really rough day at work today. Her partner gently responds to her venting at home with, “Oh, I can see why you felt that way. That makes sense.”

To validate someone reflects the assumption that all behaviors have reasons for happening, even if you do not understand what those reasons are. It assumes people are doing the best they can at any given moment, even if you (and maybe even they) know they can and should do better. Validation can be used with empathy to acknowledge of another’s pain, experience, thoughts and feelings, even if you do not fully support any of it.

Example: “I can relate to feeling scared and needing protection,” James thought to himself, eying the protesters of a cause he does not support.

The opposite of validation, or invalidation, is typically a hurtful experience to the receiver. Invalidation can be overt (“You’re just bad”) and it can be subtle (“Moving on…”). A person who has been invalidated for years may have to spend time recovering from the pain of the buildup from those experiences. Many environments are naturally invalidating, especially if the agendas of those environments are about production and not human processes.

Example: Laura pretended not to see the tears in her coworker’s eyes. They were on a time crunch and she thought, “If I say something, it’ll just make it worse. Let’s just finish up and get out of here.”

Validating is a skill to learn and practice. It does take time. However, the time you take to practice and apply this relationship skill may, in the short term, save you time and unpleasant feelings in the long run. People may respond to you better because they perceive you as someone safe to talk to and can even disagree with, without fear of attack and rejection.

Important to mental health is the practice of validating yourself.

Example: Daniel is being sued and felt angry about the situation. Even though his first thought is to blame, he recognizes this as being counterproductive. Instead he thinks, “I’m doing the best I can. This situation is difficult and it’s no wonder I’m struggling.”

If you or another person is interested in making changes in life, validating can help aid the change process. Validating does not excuse bad behavior, but it does accept human beings as being imperfect and pretty good at making mistakes. Through acceptance comes relief, movement, strength and courage. Don’t take my word for it though. Try it and see!

Crystal Stone, LMSW, CAADC; Outpatient Therapist assigned to Copper Country Mental Health Outpatient Department4-5