Dear Annie: I’m an only child in my early 40s, and I’m at my wits’ end trying to care for my 74-year-old mother. She lives alone and insists she’s “just fine,” but I can see she’s slipping — physically, mentally and emotionally. She has high blood pressure, diabetes and serious arthritis, but she won’t stay on her medications. She hasn’t been to a primary care doctor in over five years. She flat-out refuses cancer screenings or even basic lab work.

Lately, I’ve noticed what could be signs of early dementia — getting lost on familiar roads, forgetting appointments, struggling to follow conversations. I finally got her to see a neurologist last fall, and they recommended a brain scan and further testing. She never followed through. Now she’s barely leaving the house and won’t let me bring in any outside help.

I’ve tried small changes to keep her safe — grab bars in the bathroom, meal deliveries, even offering to go with her to doctor appointments. Every single time, she shuts me down with, “Don’t start” or, “I’m not an invalid.” She’s isolating more and her mobility is getting worse. I’m scared she’s going to fall or end up in the ER with something that could’ve been managed earlier.

How do I respect her independence while also not sitting back and watching her decline? — Worried and Worn Out

Dear Worried: You are carrying a heavy burden, and I commend your patience and devotion. But here’s the hard truth: You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. No matter how much you care or how hard you try, you cannot force your mother to seek help if she refuses it.

What you can do is focus on safety. Make the home as secure and fall-proof as possible. Consider a home health consultation or speak with her primary care physician about ways to support her from a distance. And for your own well-being, talk to a counselor or support group for caregivers. You need support, too. Loving her the best you can is enough.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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