Dear Annie: I might be in love with my sister-in-law. Or to put it more accurately, I think I might be in love with my deceased wife’s sister. I’m not sure if we’re still truly in-laws anymore.

My wife died in a car accident three years ago. Our son was only 11 months old, so he won’t remember his mother. My in-laws (both of her parents) and her four siblings have been very good to me, and we’ve helped each other through the grieving process. But the one I’ve gotten closest to is her younger sister, who was easily closest to my wife out of all her siblings, too. They were practically best friends.

She and I have found solace in each other over the past few years. At first, it just started out as phone calls. Then we started having each other over for dinner. Our conversations became more and more personal, even intimate. On occasion, she babysits for my son when I’m working. She finds it hard to say goodbye to him when I take him back home.

One night a few weeks ago, things finally came to a head and we began to get physically intimate. But at some point, I started to feel dirty and I backed away before we could progress all the way to intercourse.

I’m not sure if I’m in love with my deceased wife’s sister or if this is just a severe case of trauma bonding. Even if I am in love, I’m not sure pursuing her is the right thing. It feels as if I’m somehow spitting on my wife’s grave by getting attached to her sister. To my knowledge, neither her parents nor her siblings are aware of how close we’ve become. Frankly, I’m not sure where to go from here. — Confused Widowed Father

Dear Confused: I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s understandable how things have gotten to this place. You and your SIL have both been through something life-altering and, in sharing the burden of this grief, you have likely formed a trauma bond, yes.

It sounds like it’s too soon to tell whether this is a fleeting connection rooted in mutual pain or lasting love. Before moving forward one way or the other, take some time to sort out your own feelings. Grief aside, what do you want next? For you? For your son? Then you can have an honest conversation with this woman about where she stands. For this relationship to flourish into something real and long-lasting, your whole shared family will have to be involved. Before taking that leap, make sure you’ve both truly thought things through.

Feeling guilt around this is natural, but don’t shame yourself for starting to have these feelings again. At the end of the day, your wife would want you to be happy. You aren’t dishonoring her just because you’re beginning to honor yourself again.

Annie Lane’s second anthology — “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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