Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married nearly 15 years and have three young children. Until about five years ago, I would have described our marriage as good. Then he suffered an injury that left him with chronic pain and depression and caused him to emotionally withdraw from me — while I carried the extra household, yard and child care burdens he couldn’t help with anymore and battled my own anxiety.

A few months ago, things came to a head. So I looked at his phone without his permission and discovered he’d been hiding heavy drinking and was having an emotional affair with a co-worker. We had a painful conversation and agreed to recommit to each other, and he promised to end the relationship with her for my sake. He asked me to respect his privacy and not to go through his phone again, and I agreed.

Since then, things have felt better than ever. I was genuinely thrilled with the progress we were making together — we were both working so hard — until by random chance I saw a message pop up from her on his phone. I gave in and checked his phone again, only to find that he never ended the relationship. He’s been deleting messages and going to greater lengths to hide it.

Now I’m devastated. I’m mourning not just the betrayal but also the fact that the closeness we rebuilt was happening alongside his ongoing deception. I also feel awful I looked at his phone again. Is this a relationship that can be salvaged? Should it be? — Not Trusting Him

Dear Not Trusting: To suffer this betrayal once is bad enough, but going through it for a second time is even worse — especially after you committed to rebuilding your relationship together.

If this marriage is going to work, he needs to earn back your trust — no easy feat given his track record. Couples therapy is a must. If he’s unwilling to participate, you can trust by his actions that he’s checked out of this marriage.

Dear Annie: I hope this doesn’t sound ridiculous, but it’s bothered me for years! Many years ago, my aunt and her husband visited me. I knew this man didn’t care for me, so I hurried through a trip to the bathroom to avoid giving him time to say something rude while I was gone. When I came out, my aunt asked if I’d washed my hands. I usually do, but this time, I didn’t. I lied and said yes. She called me a liar, loudly and in front of her husband. I was embarrassed and haven’t seen her since.

I regret lying, and I never got to explain why I said what I did. She’s had strained relationships with her own kids over the years, often because of the men she’s seeing, so I guess I’m not the only one she’s distanced herself from. But I do miss her.

I shower daily and am a very clean person. Was my lie worse than her calling me out like that? Should I write her a letter to apologize? — Concerned Nephew Misses Aunt

Dear Concerned Nephew: It’s clear this has weighed on you far longer than it’s needed to. Lying isn’t good, but what you did was a small, human mistake. It wasn’t fair of your aunt to embarrass you either, especially in your own home and in front of someone who made you feel uneasy to begin with.

A letter sounds like the perfect olive branch. You don’t have to rehash the whole thing, but let your aunt know this has stuck with you and, most importantly, that you miss her. Whether she remembers it the way you do or decides to respond is up to her, but at least you’ll know you’ve done everything in your power to make things right again. I hope she’ll decide that this one moment isn’t worth holding onto, especially when it’s still possible to mend your relationship.

Annie Lane’s second anthology — “How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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