Dear Annie
When an Old Flame Won't Let Go
Dear Annie: I need advice on how to deal with a former fiance. We dated for nearly a year before getting engaged, but the engagement lasted only a few months. Once we were engaged, he began laying down expectations for our future: dinner on the table at 5, how many children we would have, even which promotions I should turn down at work. I am a health professional with two graduate degrees, and our outlooks on life could not have been more different. I ended the engagement.
At the time, he told me I would regret it. I never have, not for a single moment. I have been happily married for over 30 years. He eventually married as well, but I recently learned his wife passed away six years ago. Over the past two years, I have started seeing him around town, at the grocery store, at church. He stares at me in a way that makes me deeply uncomfortable. When we cross paths, I say a polite hello and move on, but he deliberately walks in front of me or lingers nearby so I will notice him. I have no interest in reconnecting.
He is 67, and I am 70. I know he has family two hours away where his parents and wife are buried. I cannot help but feel unsettled by his presence. I want to make it clear that this is over and there is nothing to discuss.
How can I send that message firmly but respectfully? — It Is Over
Dear Over: You have every right to feel unsettled. Your former fiance may be lonely or nostalgic, but that does not give him permission to make you uncomfortable.
You ended that relationship decades ago and moved on with your life. A simple hello is more than enough. You do not owe him conversation, closure or curiosity.
If his presence begins to feel intrusive or persistent, you have a few options. Keep your distance when possible, and if he tries to approach you directly, look him in the eye and say, “Please respect my space. I have no interest in reconnecting.” You do not need to explain or justify yourself.
Should the behavior escalate or continue, do not hesitate to speak with a pastor, store manager or even law enforcement. Being polite does not mean tolerating discomfort.
This chapter closed a long time ago. It is perfectly fine to keep it that way.
“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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