Dear Annie: I often read essays about how parenting comes full circle, how the greatest accomplishment of all is raising children who grow into capable, successful adults. That sounds fine and wonderful, and I am truly happy for those families. But I cannot help wondering, what about the rest of us?

Some of us have worked just as hard, sometimes harder, to raise our children with love, structure and purpose. I spent years going without sleep, working long hours, showing up at every school event, driving to practices and trying to guide them toward a better life. And yet the results look nothing like those glowing success stories. My children have stumbled, struggled and, in some cases, rejected the values I tried so desperately to instill.

For me, heartache and disappointment have become a daily way of life. Instead of pride, there is judgment. Instead of recognition for the effort, there are whispers that I failed as a parent. I am told, directly or indirectly, that I “did not raise them right.”

When do parents like me get to stop being judged? When do we get to feel proud of the effort we poured into our children, even if the outcome is not perfect? When does the pain ease, and when does the blame stop? — Failure Parent

Dear Failure Parent: Children are not machines, and parenting is not an assembly line. You can pour in love, work and sacrifice, and still watch them choose a path you would never want for them. That is not proof you failed. It is proof they are human, with free will.

Let go of the blame. Be proud of the effort you gave, even if the outcome is not the storybook ending. Your worth as a parent is not measured only by your children’s success, but by the love and care you never stopped giving.

Dear Annie: I’m the oldest of five siblings. Our parents raised us to be responsible and self-sufficient. Dad even taught us girls how to change a tire, check oil and handle car basics — though I’m the only one who took it to heart. Mom made sure we all knew how to keep up the house, brothers included.

My father passed away this past summer, and while I visited him often, some of my siblings rarely did — maybe once or twice a week, if that. I know life gets busy, but I can’t help feeling that children should make time for their parents, especially as they get older. There’s still so much we can learn from them, and we owe them the same love and attention they gave us growing up.

Now I see the same thing happening with our mother — fewer visits, less time and what feels like a lack of appreciation for the sacrifices she made for us. I worry my siblings won’t realize until it’s too late that parents won’t always be here, and that someday they’ll be the ones longing for attention from their own children.

How do I accept that not everyone sees family responsibilities the way I do? And how do I keep from resenting my siblings while still honoring the time I have left with my mother? — Carrying the Weight

Dear Carrying: You are right. Parents give us their time, and it is natural to hope children return the favor. But here is the hard truth: You cannot force your siblings to value what you do. Some people do not recognize the clock ticking until it stops.

So instead of resenting them, pour your energy into what matters. Try to create peace for yourself and continue to be present for her. When the time comes, you will rest easy knowing you showed up. The regret, if any, will be theirs to carry.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2025 CREATORS.COM