Dear Annie: I have been married for more than 35 years, but for most of that time, I have felt unloved and trapped. I came into this marriage desperately wanting children, and when my husband was widowed young with two little ones, I stepped in and raised them as my own. I was the one who got out of bed in the night, went to every school event, and poured my heart into giving them the love and stability they had lost. To them, I was “Mom,” even if I was never allowed to adopt them.

Meanwhile, my husband spent his years drinking, cheating and controlling every part of my life — when I ate, when I slept, where I went. His family spread lies, calling me the “evil stepmother,” and he never defended me. I stayed for the children’s sake, and later for the grandchildren I adore, even as I lived with loneliness, disrespect and heartbreak.

Now the children are grown, and my daughter has turned against me, too. She tells my grandchildren I’m not their “real” grandmother and has cut me off from them, even twisting them into repeating hurtful things. After decades of devotion, I find myself slandered and shut out by the very people I sacrificed everything for.

I long to reclaim my life — to travel, to enjoy small freedoms, to live on my own terms. But I’m told I’m being selfish, that I’ll never make it alone and that I should stay “for the people who love me.”

Am I wrong to finally want a life of my own after giving all of myself to others for so long? — Conflicted and Confused

Dear Conflicted: You are not selfish. You are human. For decades you gave your time, your heart and your freedom to a man who did not value you and to children who have now turned against you. That is not love. That is exploitation.

Your husband’s drinking, cheating and control were never your fault, and the smear campaign from his family only deepened the harm. You stayed out of love for the children, and you gave them more than most people could have. Now that they are grown, you owe it to yourself to live the life you have been denied.

Leaving after so many years is frightening, but it can also be liberating. Seek out support through a counselor, trusted friends and perhaps even a lawyer. Stop letting others guilt you into silence and sacrifice. You do not need their permission to live freely.

You have spent 35 years putting yourself last. It is time to put yourself first.

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