Dear Annie: My sister, “Ellen,” has an extensive history of being the victim of sexual abuse, which has caused her a lot of trauma. I’m so proud of all the work she has done to process and work through much of this. However, she tends to have very skewed and strong views on most things. We often see situations, past and present, in almost completely opposite ways. Sometimes this has caused friction between us when one or both of us get offended about the other’s opposite viewpoints, but usually we are able to navigate our differing opinions carefully.

One topic that has been particularly difficult for me is Ellen’s opinions of our family members. She has such negative opinions of many family members that she has cut them out of her life completely. Of course, everyone has their shortcomings, but I think these are wonderful people! My aunt in particular feels deeply hurt by this. She doesn’t understand why my sister acts this way toward her and especially regrets not being able to interact with her great-nieces and -nephews.

This puts me in a very awkward position. My aunt often asks me about how my sister and her family are doing and what is going on with them, as well as why my sister is acting this way. Ellen has told me some of her reasons for this rejection, but honestly, I don’t completely understand, nor do I think it’s my place to try to explain it to my aunt.

Furthermore, I worry that if I give my aunt updates that my sister doesn’t want shared, I will be the next one to be cut out. As one of the few links left between our extended family, I feel it’s very important to maintain the relationship with my sister so that her kids have some form of extended family support. I wish my sister could see my aunt the way I do — as a kind and goodhearted person.

How can I navigate my relationship with my aunt without overstepping my sister’s right to decide who she wants in her life? — Last Link

Dear Last Link: The safest course of action is honesty wrapped in kindness: Tell your aunt you love her but can’t speak for your sister. Encourage her to reach out directly if she wishes, but make it clear you won’t play the messenger.

Your sister has the right to decide who she wants in her life. Stay kind, stay neutral and stay out of the middle.

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