Dear Annie: For most of my life, I picked the wrong partners. Over time, I realized it wasn’t bad luck. I was choosing what I had seen, not what I had actually done the work to earn. Those patterns came from my family and the system I grew up in, and I kept recreating them.

A few years ago, I left that behind and made a full 180. I simplified my life, built routines and took responsibility for my choices instead of repeating familiar dynamics. The calmer and more grounded my life became, the clearer it was that my old way of dating no longer matched who I am now.

To avoid repeating those mistakes, I changed the structure completely. I don’t ask women out anymore, not out of fear or passivity, but because I don’t want to project or pull someone into my life based on impulse. I will always say yes if a woman asks me out and shows me what she enjoys, and I’m upfront about this. I’m not waiting to be chosen. I’m choosing a structure that requires mutual initiative from the start.

Here’s my question: We live in a world where women are often expected to wait for men to initiate. If that’s the case, how is that an equal system? How do two people build a balanced relationship when one side is expected to lead and the other to wait? Is choosing not to initiate a healthy way to break old patterns, or am I misunderstanding how equality in dating actually works? — Dating With Intention

Dear Dating With Intention: First, kudos for the work you’ve done. You’ve recognized unhealthy patterns, clarified what you want instead and taken real steps to build a steadier life. Wanting a relationship based on mutual effort is healthy, and those are the bonds that tend to last.

That said, equality in dating doesn’t necessarily mean identical roles. Refusing to make the first move may protect you from old patterns, but it can also stop a connection before it has a chance to form. For many women, initiative isn’t about dominance; it’s simply a sign you’re interested.

You can ask someone out thoughtfully — without impulse or projection — and still stay true to the balance you’ve worked hard to build. The mutual effort you’re looking for has to include you from the jump if there’s any hope of something meaningful taking hold.

Dear Annie: I felt compelled to reach out regarding “Stolen Story,” the woman who was repeatedly raped while incarcerated and whose friend is writing a book including those experiences as if they were her own.

As an English Ph.D. who studied autobiography, I’m sure you’re aware that a cardinal rule of memoir is that the material must be true to the best of the author’s recollection. I’m writing because I felt your advice to this traumatized reader didn’t go far enough.

If the friend self-publishes this book through Amazon, there may be little the reader can do. But if the friend secures a legitimate publisher, even a small press, “Stolen” should step up and notify the publisher that the account is false. Doing so would not only nip the problem in the bud, but also spare the publisher reputational damage, disgrace, monetary loss and potential lawsuits associated with publishing a memoir that isn’t true.

I hope you still have this reader’s contact information so you can share this with her, if she hasn’t already considered it herself. — Advocate for Truth

Dear Advocate for Truth: Thank you for your letter. You’re right, and a few other readers raised this same important concern. Writing can be healing for this woman, but only if it’s rooted in her own lived experience. “Stolen” said her friend has talked about this project on and off for years without following through, so it may never come to pass — but if it does, the only honest path forward is telling a story that truly belongs to her.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2026 CREATORS.COM