Dear Annie: I moved 600 miles away from my hometown 40 years ago, but keeping up a relationship with my parents (who’ve since passed) and my four siblings was always important to me. Family was paramount to my mother, and she instilled that same value in me.

I traveled back home countless times, eventually with my husband and two children, for each of my siblings’ and their children’s and grandchildren’s weddings, milestone birthdays, holiday celebrations, etc. When my sister moved to another state, I visited her several times. For my 40th birthday, I flew to my hometown and hosted them all at a nice restaurant. For my 60th birthday, I hosted my siblings at an expensive vacation home in Kauai.

My son is getting married this month and has chosen to have a destination wedding, also in Hawaii. My sister can’t attend because her husband is sick, which is understandable. One brother let me know he couldn’t attend because he had a trip planned near the date, though he didn’t say where to. Another brother said he might attend, but when the date was announced, he said he couldn’t make it because of hunting season.

I was shocked and saddened when, via social media, I found out that both brothers and their families were in Hawaii together just a month before the wedding. I had spoken by phone with both of them just before this, and they hadn’t said a word about it.

I started to take stock and realized my siblings have only visited me when they were on their way to some other destination and my home was a convenient stop along the way, or when my husband was giving one of them a boat or a car. Only one attended my wedding; none attended my daughter’s. Now I feel like a fool for clinging to a false sense of family.

I’m done with reaching out or following them on social media. I have my own sweet family here around me. At this point, I don’t care if I ever see my siblings again in this lifetime. And I suspect I never will if I’m not the one making the effort.

Am I being too harsh? Have I been a fool all these years? — Letting Go on the West Coast

Dear Letting Go: You weren’t a fool. You were loyal and invested in what mattered to you. Most people would consider themselves lucky to have a family member like that.

Discovering your brothers went to Hawaii but couldn’t manage your son’s wedding — or at least couldn’t be honest about why — is the kind of revelation that truly stings.

You’re not harsh for recognizing the imbalance. Relationships require mutual effort, and it’s exhausting to be the only one extending it. If stepping back brings you peace, do so without guilt.

You’ve built a loving life where you are. Invest in the people who show up and stop chasing those who don’t.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2026 CREATORS.COM