Dear Annie: From the outside, my life looks steady and full. I have a thoughtful husband, grown children who stay in close touch, dear friends and work that gives my days purpose. I know I am fortunate, which only makes it harder to admit how much I am struggling in private.

For years, I have carried pain from things that happened to me when I was young. I have done counseling and truly tried to make peace with the past. In many ways, I have built a happy life. But when stress creeps in, or I feel lonely, disappointed or overwhelmed, something in me still reaches for food as comfort.

It is never really about hunger. It is about quieting the noise in my head for a little while. I eat in secret, promise myself it is the last time, then wake up the next day filled with guilt and disgust. I have gained so much weight that getting dressed for dinner with friends can bring me to tears. More than once, I have canceled plans because nothing fit and I could not bear the thought of being seen.

The people who love me tell me to be kinder to myself, but they do not understand how relentless that inner voice can be. I am so tired of feeling ashamed in a life that should feel joyful. How do I break a cycle that seems to begin in my mind long before it ever reaches the kitchen? — Ashamed and Exhausted

Dear Ashamed and Exhausted: This is not a character flaw, and it is not just about food. It sounds like old pain is still asking to be cared for, even after all these years. That does not mean you have failed. It means you are still healing. And healing, especially the kind rooted in long-held hurt, rarely follows a straight or tidy path.

Please stop measuring this by willpower alone. A therapist who understands trauma and disordered eating, along with a doctor, could help you far more than self-criticism ever will. Shame is a terrible diet plan. It may feel like it’s motivating you in the moment, but it ultimately keeps you stuck in the very cycle you are trying to escape.

You already have something precious: people who love you. Let them support the real you, not the one pretending she is fine. Healing may not start in the kitchen. It may start with compassion. And the more gently you treat yourself, the more room you create for lasting change.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2026 CREATORS.COM