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Dear Annie: My father died two years ago after more than 50 years of marriage. Since then, my mother seems to have stopped living.
She spent her entire adult life caring for my father and raising our family. She rarely did anything just for herself. My father handled the finances, made most of the decisions and was the more social one.
Now my mother calls me several times a day. She asks me to make appointments, pay bills, arrange repairs and help with even small decisions. I love her and want to help. But I have a job and a family of my own. Lately, I feel more like her parent than her daughter.
What worries me most is how isolated she has become. She spends nearly every day sitting at home watching television. She waits for one of us to call or visit.
My siblings and I have encouraged her to volunteer at a local animal shelter. She has always loved animals, and we thought it might give her purpose and companionship. We have offered to drive her and even go with her the first time. She refuses. Then she tells us how lonely and unhappy she is.
I know she is grieving. I do not expect her to forget my father or simply move on. But I worry that by doing everything for her, we are making her even more dependent. At the same time, I feel guilty whenever I set a boundary.
How can I support my mother without becoming responsible for rebuilding her entire life? -- Concerned Daughter
Dear Concerned: Your mother is in the process of grieving, and after 50 years of marriage, she may truly not know how to live on her own. Be patient with her, but remember that you cannot rebuild her life for her.
Try inviting her to do one small thing instead of suggesting a whole new routine. Offer to go with her to the animal shelter for just one afternoon. She may be more willing to do something if it feels manageable.
Help when she truly needs you, but gently step back from the things she can learn to do herself. You can support her without becoming her entire support system. Love should be a helping hand, not a permanent crutch.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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