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Dear Annie: My father passed away earlier this year, and afterward my mother and sister moved to be closer to me. Since then, I have tried to help my mother as much as I can. I take her to doctors’ appointments, help with everyday needs and do my best to make sure she is cared for.
Recently, my husband had to go out of state for work, and my children and I went with him. My mother came along for a while, but she has decided she wants to return home. My sister, who has special needs, will be going back with her.
My mother is in her 70s and, thankfully, is in fairly good health. My sister is not able to help her very much, but other relatives have said they will check on them.
The problem is that some family members are making me feel like a terrible daughter because I don’t want to leave my husband and children and move back home with my mother. I have offered to drive her home and get her settled, but then I plan to return to my husband until his work assignment is finished, which could be another two or three months.
I love my mother and want to be there for her, especially after losing my father. But I also have a husband, children and a life of my own.
Am I being selfish for not going back with her, or is it reasonable to let my mother make her own choice and allow other family members to help for a while? -- Torn Daughter
Dear Torn: You are a daughter, not a one-woman care team. Your mother is choosing to go home, and you have already helped arrange support. That is caring, not abandoning. Your husband and children need you, too.
Drive your mother home, help her get settled, and make sure family members know when to check in. Then return to your own household without carrying a suitcase full of guilt.
Loving your mother does not require putting your entire life on hold.
Dear Annie: After 26 years of marriage, I divorced my wife. I had been unhappy for a long time, but I stayed until our two children finished college because I wanted to keep the family together for them.
There had been years of tension between my wife and me, much of it surrounding finances and responsibility. When our children were young, she left a well-paying job without discussing it with me and never returned to the workforce. I became responsible for supporting the family, and resentment built over time.
When the children were finally grown, I decided I could no longer stay in the marriage.
What I never expected was to lose my children along with my wife.
Both of my adult children now have very little to do with me. Calls go unanswered, texts receive delayed responses, and when I suffered a stroke, they barely checked on me. I have continued to help them when they need something, but I feel as though I have become an outsider in their lives.
I suspect they blame me for the divorce or feel that being close to me would somehow betray their mother. Whatever the reason, the distance is heartbreaking.
I know I cannot force my children to have a relationship with me, but I don’t want to give up on them either. How do I reach out without begging for their attention or making the situation worse? -- A Father Left Behind
Dear Father Left Behind: You cannot force your children to pick up the phone, but you can keep the door open without standing in the doorway.
Reach out simply and without defending the divorce or criticizing their mother. Tell them you love them, miss them and would like a relationship when they are ready. Then give them some room.
And as painful as this is, stop trying to buy closeness. A relationship built on money is an expensive substitute for affection.
Keep showing up with love, patience and dignity. Sometimes adult children need time before they are ready to see their parents as people, not just as sides in a divorce.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2026 CREATORS.COM