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Dear Annie: I feel a little silly even writing this because my mother is a wonderful grandmother. She absolutely adores my children, and they adore her. But lately, I’ve started to feel like she is much more interested in being their grandmother than in being my mother.
A few weeks ago, I called and asked if she wanted to meet me for lunch. I had been having a stressful week and was honestly looking forward to sitting down with my mom and catching up. Her first question was, “Are the kids coming?” When I told her no, that I thought it might be nice for just the two of us to have lunch, she suddenly remembered a few errands she needed to do and suggested we get together another time when the children were free.
This wasn’t the first time. If I invite her over, she immediately asks whether the kids will be home. When she calls, she wants to know what they are doing, what sports they have and when she can see them. She rarely asks how I’m doing or what is going on in my life. Sometimes I feel like I could disappear from the room completely and she wouldn’t notice as long as the grandchildren were there.
I really am grateful that my children have such a loving grandmother, and I don’t want to sound jealous of my own kids. But I miss my mother. I miss having lunch with her, talking to her as a daughter and feeling like she wants a relationship with me, too -- not just with the family I created.
Is it selfish to feel hurt by this? And how do I tell my mother that I still need her to be my mom without making it sound like I’m competing with my own children for her attention? -- Missing Mom
Dear Missing Mom: It’s clear that you’re not actually jealous of your children. You’re just missing your mother and the way your relationship used to be, which is a very different thing than jealousy.
Tell her gently that you love seeing her as an adoring and present grandmother, but you miss spending time with her as her daughter. You need more time with her in which you can stay in the role of being your mother’s daughter, not just the mother of her grandkids. She may not realize how left out you feel; it doesn’t seem you have taken the time to tell her. By communicating with her that you miss her, it will probably make her feel good. She will feel needed by you and her grandchildren.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.om.