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Dear Annie: I have a friend I’ve known for more than 30 years. He is a good person, loyal and generous, and we share a lot of history. The problem is that he has absolutely no sense of when he has lost a room.
At dinner parties, he can take over the entire conversation with a story that lasts 15 or 20 minutes. And these are not short, lively stories. We get every street name, every person’s first and last name, what someone ordered for lunch, what year it happened and usually several side stories before he finally gets to the point. By then, everyone else has stopped trying to participate.
My wife and I have learned to live with this over the years, but recently it has become more awkward. We are having six longtime friends come from different parts of the country to stay with us for several days. We have planned a wine tasting, dinners, sightseeing and plenty of time at the house just catching up. Some of these people haven’t seen one another in years, so everyone is really looking forward to relaxed conversation and reconnecting.
The complication is that all six of our guests also know my talkative friend. When we mentioned the visit, several of them gently said they thought he and his wife should probably be included for one dinner. But they were equally clear that they did not want him included for the entire weekend. One friend joked that if he came wine tasting with us, we might hear the history of every grape before we got to drink it.
I feel terrible because this man has been my friend for decades, and I don’t want him to discover later that a whole group of mutual friends was together without him. At the same time, these guests are traveling a long way to see us, and I don’t think it’s fair to let one person dominate their visit.
How do I invite my friend and his wife for just one evening without making it obvious that the rest of the weekend is happening without them? And after 30 years, is it finally time for me to gently tell him that his marathon storytelling is wearing everyone out? — Trapped in a Very Long Story
Dear Trapped: Invite your friend and his wife to one dinner and leave it at that. You are hosting the weekend, not running a reunion committee.
As for the storytelling, after 30 years, a little honesty is overdue. Tell him kindly that he sometimes holds the floor so long that others don’t get a chance to join in. A good story should leave people wanting more, not checking the exits.
Friendship can survive tactful truth. In fact, sometimes it needs it.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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