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Dear Annie: I have worked at the same company for six years, and I genuinely like my job. What I don’t like is my coworker, “Lisa,” who has somehow developed the magical ability to turn my ideas into her accomplishments.
Last month, I spent two days putting together a proposal for a client. In our meeting, Lisa smiled at our boss and said, “I thought it would be smart if we approached it this way.” I nearly choked on my coffee. The week before, she presented a spreadsheet I had created as part of “her plan.” At this point, if I bring in homemade cookies, I’m half expecting her to announce that she baked them.
The tricky part is that Lisa is charming, friendly and very good at talking herself up. I’m quieter and have always believed that good work speaks for itself. It seems that my work is speaking but with Lisa’s voice.
I don’t want to become the office scorekeeper or create an awkward feud, but I’m starting to worry that my silence is hurting my career. How do I make sure I get credit for my work without sounding petty or turning every meeting into “Actually, that was my idea”? -- Credit Where Credit Is Due
Dear Credit: There’s nothing wrong with being a team player so long as you are participating verbally and letting your team know where you’re contributing. Start speaking up in meetings and documenting your work so there’s no confusion about who did what. When in doubt, it’s best to have things in writing, so don’t be shy about sending emails.
Dear Annie: I have a close friend I have known for more than 20 years. We have been through marriages, children, job changes and plenty of ups and downs together. I love her and consider her almost like family.
Lately, though, I have started to notice that our friendship feels very one-sided. I am usually the one who calls, makes plans and checks in. When she is going through something difficult, I am always there to listen. But when I need support, she often changes the subject, gives a quick response or says she is too busy.
Recently, I was having a particularly hard week and reached out to her because I really needed a friend. She talked to me for a few minutes and then spent the rest of the conversation telling me about a disagreement she was having at work. I hung up feeling even more alone than before.
I don’t expect every friendship to be perfectly equal all the time, and I know people go through busy seasons. But this has been going on for quite a while, and I am starting to wonder whether I am holding onto the friendship because of our history rather than because it still feels good.
I don’t want to end a decades-long friendship over hurt feelings, but I also don’t want to keep feeling unimportant.
Should I tell her how I feel, pull back and see if she notices, or simply accept that some friendships change with time? -- Feeling Forgotten
Dear Feeling Forgotten: You have been friends for a long time and that is something worth fighting for. At the same time try and not lose yourself along the way.
Don’t just pull away. Tell your friend how you have been feeling. She may be so accustomed to you being the strong one that she does not realize how much you need her, too. Speak with kindness rather than keeping score.
If nothing changes after that, give yourself permission to step back. Some friendships last a lifetime, and others belong to a particular chapter. Either way, you deserve relationships where the caring goes both ways.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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