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Dear Annie: I have been divorced for three years and share custody of my two children, ages 10 and 13. My ex-husband remarried about a year ago, and his wife is kind, involved and genuinely seems to care about my children. I know that is something to be grateful for.
The problem is that lately I feel as though she is trying to become their mother rather than simply being a loving stepmother.
She buys them clothes without mentioning it to me, attends school events, sets rules and consequences, and has started referring to them as “our kids.” Recently, she posted a family photo on social media and called the four of them “our little family.” I know it may sound overly sensitive, but seeing my children described that way really stung.
What bothered me most happened with my 13-year-old daughter. She came home and told me that her stepmother had talked to her about puberty, boys and some friendship problems at school. She told my daughter she could always come to her with anything personal.
I know she probably meant well, and I do want my daughter to have trusted adults in her life. But those mother-daughter conversations feel especially precious to me, and I couldn’t help feeling as though a boundary had been crossed.
There have been other moments, too. She has corrected the children in front of me and once told my son that he needed to apologize to his father before I even knew what had happened. I usually bite my tongue because I never want the children to feel caught between us.
I truly do not want this to become a competition. I want my children to love their stepmother and feel happy in both homes. But I also think there is a difference between being supportive and stepping into the role of their mother.
How can I talk to my ex-husband about setting some reasonable boundaries without sounding jealous or creating unnecessary drama? -- Still Their Mom
Dear Still Their Mom: Your children are lucky to have another adult who loves and cares about them, but that does not mean boundaries are unimportant. Talk calmly with your ex-husband about the areas where you would like to remain the primary parent, especially around discipline and personal matters. It seems that the main issue here is that you have not clearly communicated how you feel.
Try not to make your children feel they must choose between you and their stepmom. There is plenty of room in their lives for a loving stepmother without diminishing your place as their mom.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2026 CREATORS.COM