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Dear Annie: This might seem a little weird for a 78-year-old man, but this really bothers me. When I was in elementary and high school, I wasn’t liked by many of my fellow students. I was shy, a bit awkward and the target of bullying. I never fit in, and I thought high school would never end.
Things were better in college. I graduated and went on to stand out in my profession, receiving honors and positive attention from my peers. It was the opposite of my high school experience.
I’ve only attended one high school class reunion, and that evening was the longest three hours of my life. I was again left out of conversations, and some memories centered around times I was bullied. Needless to say, I never went back.
Now a group of my old high school classmates get together informally from time to time for breakfast, lunch, etc. I keep getting invited via email, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to go.
In retirement, I’ve become friends with an old classmate who I never interacted with in high school. We were in different circles, but he was always friendly to me. He personally invited me to one of these gatherings. I gave in after many requests.
The minute I entered the room and saw those faces, I was overwhelmed by the past. I made it through the event even though one classmate told a story about a bullying incident where I was the victim. Everyone laughed. I cried inside.
The classmate who pushed me to go apologized after the gathering and said he had no idea that would happen. I’ll never go back, but that awful experience is in my head every day.
I’ve talked with my pastor, which was helpful, but I’m still unhappy. I’ve never thought of hurting myself, but I’ve become somewhat of a recluse, afraid to leave my home or go anywhere I might run into an old classmate.
My years are numbered, and I want them to be happy, but they’re anything but. My wife is very supportive and understands my plight. She encourages me but doesn’t push.
How can I get over this? I’ve thought of moving to another city where I won’t run into anyone from high school, but that would mean taking my wife from her friends and family. -- Still Hurting
Dear Still Hurting: There’s nothing weird about painful memories lingering, no matter how old you are. But these wounds are keeping you from living your life.
Your pastor helped, but I strongly encourage you to speak with a therapist. You don’t have to rush to forgive or forget; you just need help leaving the past in the past. At 78, your time is too precious to spend hiding from people who hurt you decades ago.
You’ve built a good life since high school, and you deserve to enjoy it. Don’t sell yourself short just because your classmates did -- classmates who dwell in the past and never really grew up.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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