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Dear Annie: I have been married to my husband for 18 years, and I love him deeply. He is kind, hardworking and devoted to our family. He will fix anything that breaks, drive across town if one of the kids needs something and make me coffee every morning without being asked. In so many ways, he shows up.
But emotionally, I often feel completely alone.
Any time I try to talk about something difficult, he shuts down. It could be a concern about money, something one of the kids is going through, a decision we need to make together or simply something he said that hurt my feelings. The moment the conversation becomes uncomfortable, his whole demeanor changes. He stops making eye contact, gives one-word answers and usually says, “I don’t want to fight.”
The frustrating part is that I’m not trying to fight. I’m trying to connect.
Sometimes he will leave the room, turn on the television or start scrolling through his phone while I am still talking. Then the next morning, he acts cheerful and normal, as if the conversation never happened. Meanwhile, I have been awake half the night replaying everything in my head.
Over the years, I have tried every approach I can think of. I waited until we were both calm. I have written him notes. I have tried being gentle, direct, brief and even humorous. He still says I “talk things to death” and that not every problem needs to be discussed.
But to me, the problem isn’t just the original issue anymore. It is the feeling that when something matters to me emotionally, I have no partner standing beside me.
I don’t want to spend the next 20 years begging my husband to talk to me. Is there a way to reach someone who seems to love you very much but disappears the minute the conversation gets hard? -- Lonely in the Same Room
Dear Lonely: Your husband may call it “avoiding an argument,” but disappearing emotionally every time a subject gets uncomfortable is just an argument with no words. Sometimes the silence speaks louder than words.
Tell him calmly that you are willing to give him time to respond to you but not completely shut down. You might have to seek marriage counseling if he continues to shut down.
A good marriage can be filled with lively conversation, but silence can feel very lonely.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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