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Dear Annie: A lot of things improved when I got sober five years ago. I left a toxic job and started my own business, where I’ve made some good friends. I improved my relationship with my kids, now 7 and 9, so much that I became the preferred parent. I’m even healthier thanks to a new dog who loves walking and comes almost everywhere with me.
The two areas that haven’t improved are my relationship with my wife and with my parents and siblings. The way they treated me was the reason I drank. That’s not an excuse, but I don’t think it was fair to be treated so poorly, either. The people who say they love me are the same people who continue doing things I’ve told them hurt me.
I worked an Alcoholics Anonymous program, while my wife has yet to attend an AA meeting. Both my parents are recovering alcoholics who also worked the program. My friends at AA validate my feelings and support me, but my family doesn’t. I’ve gone back to individual therapy and tend to keep to myself because I don’t want to start a fight by sharing my feelings -- or by not sharing them. I don’t feel comfortable at either house.
Two marriage therapists have blamed me because I’m the recovering addict and haven’t really wanted to hear my side of why I drank. I don’t want to try counseling with my parents because my dad would most likely dominate the conversation and tell me my feelings are wrong.
It seems like a no-win situation for me to be understood or appreciated. I’m not demanding respect like my family demands of me, but I would like a caring ear to listen and comprehend my side of things. I find myself longing for an apology and changed behavior, but neither ever comes.
I’m staying in my marriage right now for our kids. They need to see someone who’s caring and protective. I feel like I still have a lot to do as their father, the biggest of which is being in their lives every day.
Any other recommendations for ways to improve things or other groups to turn to for support? -- One Day at a Time in Alabama
Dear One Day at a Time: Five years sober is a huge accomplishment, and you’ve built a lot in that time. Be proud of yourself for that.
You’ve told your parents and siblings how you feel. If they won’t listen, stop waiting for the apology or understanding they may never give, and keep some distance if that’s what you need. Getting sober changed your life, but it won’t necessarily change them.
Your marriage is different. If you want it to work, keep looking for a couple’s counselor who will hear both sides and help you find a way forward together. Keep leaning on AA and your individual therapist. And AA may have something to offer you with regard to your recovering parents, too.
Most of all, keep showing up for your kids. They need a sober, loving dad who keeps doing the work. One day at a time has gotten you this far; keep it up.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2026 CREATORS.COM