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Dear Annie: My in-laws are in their mid-80s, and for most of their lives, they appeared to be quite wealthy. They lived in beautiful homes, entertained lavishly and traveled frequently. They were successful in real estate and should have been financially comfortable in retirement.
Over the years, extravagant spending, poor investments and failed get-rich-quick schemes drained their savings. Today, they live entirely on Social Security and have spent the past eight years moving between the homes of relatives and friends.
For the past six years, they’ve relied on my mother-in-law’s financially successful stepsister, who owns homes in California and Idaho. She generously allows them to stay in whichever house she isn’t using. This means my in-laws, now in their 80s, sometimes find themselves shoveling snow in Idaho.
Neither location offers much of a support system, and both are more than eight hours away from us. My wife is their only child, and they have chosen to live far from her, their grandchildren and now their first great-grandchild.
They qualify for a lovely senior-housing community near us, where they could have stability, companionship and family close by. But they refuse to consider it. Instead, they insist on staying in our home whenever they please.
A three-night visit routinely stretches into five or six nights. On one occasion, they even called our son and asked him to stay with a friend so they could have his room during their visit. He agreed, not fully understanding the family dynamics.
They have also continued using our address for their driver’s licenses, voting registration and car insurance, despite not having lived in our state for eight years. They never asked our permission.
My wife and I are in our 50s and both still work. We have two young-adult children who are finding their footing, and we’ve recently welcomed our first grandchild. We love our family, but our time, energy and resources are not unlimited.
The hardest part is watching what this has done to my wife. She feels tremendous guilt about setting boundaries with her aging parents, even though their demands have caused her almost daily stress. She resents that they’ve repeatedly chosen to live far away while expecting us to rearrange our lives whenever they want to visit.
This situation has put a strain on our marriage for years.
I want to be fair. My in-laws aren’t bad people, and they can be genuinely lovely. I don’t believe they intend to hurt anyone. But they seem determined to maintain a lifestyle they can no longer afford, relying on the generosity of others rather than accepting a more realistic living arrangement.
I don’t want to be the son-in-law who comes between my wife and her parents. But I also don’t want our marriage and family life to suffer because we’re afraid to say no.
How do we establish reasonable boundaries with aging parents who refuse to accept their circumstances, without leaving my wife feeling like a terrible daughter? -- Exhausted Son-in-Law
Dear Exhausted Son-in-Law: Your in-laws are in a difficult stage of life, and it’s understandable that they want to feel close to their family. At their age, a little extra patience and compassion can go a long way.
That said, your wife can be a loving daughter while still setting reasonable boundaries. Sit down together and agree on visits that work for everyone, with clear arrival and departure dates.
Continue encouraging senior housing nearby if you think they would be happy there. Remember, boundaries don’t have to be unkind. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is find a balance that allows everyone to feel respected and welcome.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2026 CREATORS.COM