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Dear Annie: Every year, as soon as October rolls around, my husband and I start having the same argument: Whose family gets us for Thanksgiving?
We’ve been married for 12 years and have two children, ages 7 and 10. Both sets of grandparents live about an hour away, and both families expect us to spend Thanksgiving with them.
My mother starts asking about our plans weeks in advance. She makes a huge dinner, loves having the grandchildren around and gets genuinely hurt when we don’t come. She’ll say things like, “I guess we’ll just have a quiet Thanksgiving without the kids this year,” which makes me feel terrible.
My husband’s parents are no different. His mother insists that Thanksgiving is the one holiday when the entire family gets together, and his father recently told him, “We won’t be around forever, you know.”
We’ve tried alternating years, but somehow whoever isn’t hosting feels cheated. We’ve tried having Thanksgiving lunch with one family and dinner with the other, but that turned into a marathon of driving, overeating and cranky children. Last year, my youngest actually cried in the car because she was tired of rushing from one house to another.
To make matters worse, my husband thinks I’m too easily manipulated by my mother’s guilt trips, and I think he gives in just as easily to his parents. What starts as a conversation about turkey ends with us arguing about whose family comes first.
I love both families, and I know how lucky our children are to have grandparents who want to spend time with them. But I’m beginning to dread a holiday that’s supposed to be about gratitude and togetherness. Sometimes I fantasize about staying home in our pajamas, ordering pizza and watching the parade.
Is there a fair way to handle this without hurting someone’s feelings? Or are we destined to spend every Thanksgiving disappointing half the family? -- Torn Between Two Turkeys
Dear Torn: It’s understandable that both sets of grandparents want to spend Thanksgiving with their grandchildren. As they get older, these family gatherings become even more precious, and no one wants to feel left out.
But you can’t make everyone happy, especially at the expense of your own family’s peace. Sit down with your husband and agree on a plan, whether that means alternating years, hosting everyone or starting a tradition of your own.
Be loving but firm with the grandparents. Remind them that they are cherished, even when you’re not at their Thanksgiving table. After all, the holiday is about being thankful for family, not keeping score over who gets the turkey.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2026 CREATORS.COM