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Dear Annie: I’ve been married to my husband for almost 20 years, and while I love him dearly, there’s one person in our marriage who always seems to come first: his mother.
Don’t get me wrong. I believe a man who loves and respects his mother has wonderful qualities. But there’s a difference between being a devoted son and making your wife feel like she’s competing for second place.
My mother-in-law calls my husband several times a day, often about things that could easily wait. If we’re having dinner, he’ll answer. If we’re watching a movie, he’ll step outside to talk. She even calls when we’re on vacation, and somehow, her problems always become our problems.
Last year, we planned a special anniversary weekend away. Two days before we were supposed to leave, his mother called and said she was feeling lonely and wanted him to visit. He suggested postponing our trip. When I objected, he accused me of being selfish and said, “She’s my mother. You only get one.”
I reminded him that he also only has one wife, but that didn’t go over very well.
What bothers me most is that she seems to have a say in everything we do. When we bought a new house, she criticized the neighborhood, and suddenly my husband had doubts. When I suggested hosting Thanksgiving, she insisted it should be at her house, and he immediately agreed without discussing it with me.
Recently, we were having dinner with friends when my mother-in-law called to complain that she hadn’t heard from him that day. He actually got up from the table and spent 20 minutes reassuring her. Our friends exchanged uncomfortable glances, and I wanted to crawl under the table.
I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he says I’m jealous of his mother. I’m not jealous. I’m exhausted from feeling like I need her approval to make decisions in my own marriage.
To make matters worse, she often makes little comments about how I do things. My cooking is never quite right, I don’t keep the house the way she would, and apparently, no one will ever take care of her son the way she does. My husband laughs these remarks off and tells me she’s just being a mother.
Annie, I have no desire to come between my husband and his mother. She’s an important part of his life, and I respect that. But I thought getting married meant building a life together, not having every decision reviewed by a third party.
I’m beginning to resent both of them, and I hate feeling this way. I don’t want him to choose between his mother and me. I just want him to understand that being a good son shouldn’t mean being an inattentive husband.
Am I being unreasonable for wanting to come first sometimes? How do I get my husband to set boundaries with his mother without making him feel like I’m asking him to abandon her? -- Married to a Mamma’s Boy
Dear Married: A man who loves and respects his mother is usually a man with a good heart. That is something to admire, not resent. After all, she’s been an important part of his life long before you came along.
That said, I can understand why you sometimes feel overlooked. But be careful not to turn this into a competition for his affection. There’s room in his heart for both of you.
Rather than asking him to choose, tell him you admire his devotion to his mother but would love more uninterrupted time together. A few reasonable boundaries can go a long way.
Remember, his love for his mother doesn’t take away from his love for you. The goal isn’t to come between them, but to make sure your marriage gets the attention it deserves, too.
“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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