Image courtesy of Tonya and Rob Rowe Tonya and Rob Rowe facilitate the local chapter of GriefShare. Their 13 week faith based series of videos and discussions meets at Bethany Baptist Church.

You have lost a dear one, and the holidays are looming. How can you ever survive them?

At a recent seminar at Bethany Baptist Church in Dollar Bay, grief facilitators Rob and Tonya Rowe shared some stories of loss and tips for surviving the holidays. Then participants shared their own stories of dealing with grief and helped each other make plans for getting through the holidays.

“Your loved one dies, and all of a sudden, you’re jettisoned into a different reality,” said Rob. “You’re facing the new normal, which is entirely different. You have to shift gears.”

People often stuff their grief inside, into a little box, Tonya said. Then something like a holiday comes along and breaks that box wide open.

Holidays are

Challenging

The winter holidays–Thanksgiving, Christmas, Chanukah, New Year’s–are especially hard for people who are grieving. Someone is missing. You are celebrating differently, if you are celebrating at all.

A woman who had lost her husband said, “I wanted life to go on the way it did before, but everything was different. I was alone.”

Another said, “You’re supposed to be happy around the holidays, but there was nothing to be happy about.”

Tonya offered an example. “Maybe the kids always came over and you made a big holiday meal,” she said. “Now you’re going to their house.”

Rob recalled his aunt making a particular kind of jello salad. “She always brought it to family holiday meals. After she died, it wasn’t there. The dinner just didn’t seem right without that jello salad.”

So what do you do in a situation like that? “Maybe make a jello salad of your own in memory of her,” Rob suggested.

“Do something, get involved,” Tonya said. Little Brothers Friends of the Elderly sponsors community holiday dinners at churches in the area, Rob pointed out. They also deliver dinners to people who can’t come out. “Maybe you can volunteer to serve at one of those dinners or deliver dinners to people at home,” he suggested.

“You don’t want to be just sitting at home,” he added.

Tips for Surviving the

Holidays

Tonya and Rob offered some tips for handling the holidays after you’ve lost a loved one.

• Don’t isolate, be with safe, uplifting people.

• Plan ahead, make some specific plans for the holidays. Don’t let them creep up on you.

• Volunteer at your place of worship or with a community service organization.

• Script your response to the question: “How are you doing?” so you don’t have to think on your feet.

•Incorporate some of your loved one’s traditions into your family’s holiday observance.

• Don’t try to do it all.

• Ask for and accept help.

Grief Follows No Clock

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been grieving. Each person grieves in their own way and at their own pace. Even if your loss was years ago, it can seem like yesterday, especially at the holidays. “Time doesn’t necessarily heal all wounds,” Rob said. “But there is hope.”

Grief affects us all,” said Tonya. “We’ve gone through it.” She lost her mother, and Rob lost four loved ones in a row: his mother in May, his brother in June, his father in July and one of his best friends in August.

When they decided to work as facilitators for GriefShare, they watched a training video prepared by the program. GriefShare offers ongoing training for its facilitators.

Rob and Tonya told seminar participants about their local GriefShare program, a 13 week faith-based series of videos and discussions that they facilitate at Bethany Baptist Church. Participants watch a video each week, then talk about their own experiences and how to apply the video to their own situation.

“The discussion is the biggest help,” said Tonya. “You are with people who can relate to your grief.”

The next GriefShare series will start in March. For more information on GriefShare, call the church at 906-482-6940.

Rob and Tonya are members of Bethany Baptist Church and live in Dollar Bay. Rob is a retired machinist who teaches woodshop at Dollar Bay High School. He served in the Coast Guard. Tonya is a retired church secretary.