Dear Annie: When I married my husband, I was completely inexperienced and unaware of his interest in kink. Six months into our marriage, a woman contacted me claiming to be one of his submissives. She said she couldn’t live with the guilt of me not knowing. I had just found out I was pregnant, and the stress led to a miscarriage.

We went to counseling, and for a while, things improved. He agreed to a closed marriage and seemed more attentive. A year later, I became pregnant again — this time successfully — but discovered he was back to his old behavior. I tried to understand his world and explore the lifestyle myself, but we are completely incompatible. He even admitted he could only enjoy intimacy with me when I was in discomfort. We haven’t been intimate in years.

Recently, I met someone kind, respectful and supportive. We are only friends, but I’ve developed feelings. My husband noticed and has become cold and critical. This friend has offered a safe place for me and my child if needed.

My question is, after everything, is this marriage still worth saving — or is it time to move on? — Confused and Worn Down

Dear Confused and Worn Down: Let’s call this what it is. You entered your marriage in good faith and endured deception, heartbreak and betrayal — not once, but several times. That speaks to your strength, but it does not mean you owe your husband your peace of mind.

His preferences are his business, but using your discomfort for his pleasure, breaking your trust and then punishing you emotionally when you find support elsewhere is not love. It is control. You have already done the hard part by facing the truth. Now ask yourself this: If your child were in your shoes, what would you want for them? Probably peace, respect and safety.

You deserve those things, too. Talk to a counselor. Talk to a lawyer. Talk to yourself like someone you care about.

Dear Annie: I just read the letter from the mother whose son is being bullied at school and on a sports team. She says the other boy’s parents dismiss it with a “kids will be kids” attitude and claim their son is too young to be responsible. That’s a red flag.

As a retired in-home therapist, I’ve seen how unmanaged anger and low frustration tolerance don’t just go away; they grow with the child and lead to bigger problems. The boy may be modeling aggression he sees at home or struggling with emotional regulation, but either way, he needs intervention now.

The bullied child’s mother might consider speaking with other parents and addressing the coach as a group. Encourage the children to report each incident. Coaches can also bring concerns to school staff, who may already be aware of the situation. If there are signs of abuse at home, child protective services may need to be involved.

Ignoring this won’t make it go away. It only gets worse with time. — A Retired Therapist

Dear Retired Therapist: Thank you for your letter. I always love hearing from professionals with experience in the field. Your insight into how unchecked behavior in children can escalate over time and the importance of early intervention hopefully will help other parents struggling with similar situations. Your suggestions for involving other parents, coaches and school staff offer a practical path forward for those dealing with similar situations.

“How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is out now! Annie Lane’s second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.

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