Jammer Kim Kong (731 green jersey, on left) gets past the opposing team while jammer Rainbow Bash (214, white jersey) is blocked by (left to right in green jerseys) Jeffrey Dahminator, Bandit, Fury, and Wheelsley CrushHer. (Kent Kraft/For the Gazette)

CALUMET — Roller derby fans were in for a treat on Saturday, as Keweenaw Roller Derby (KRD) hosted their “Smackdown on the Farm” mixer, which included players from seven leagues in four states.

Skaters from KRD were sprinkled between the four teams, all of which combined farming and aliens in some entertainingly bizarre names: Hayliens (green), Crop Circlers (white), Star Grazers (blue), and Tractor Beams (black).

The first bout saw the Hayliens against the Crop Circlers.

Visiting skater Bride of Skatinstein was the first jammer for the Hayliens and helped the team leap ahead 4-0 with the first of what would be many apex jumps. This is when a skater leaps across part of the inner oval to get past opposing blockers. As long as they start and end the jump within track limits, the maneuver is both legal and thrilling to watch.

The Hayliens and Crop Circlers appeared very evenly matched as they traded the lead back and forth throughout the bout. KRD’s Rainbow Bash took several turns as the jammer for the Crop Circlers, and scored points her first time out to help her team take the lead, 11-6.

Bride of Skatinstein was able to score eight unanswered points for the Hayliens a short time later, pulling the lead back to the green team, 20-17. In the next jam, KRD’s Johnny Crash helped the Crop Circlers claw their way back to tie the game at 24-24.

By halftime, the score favored the Hayliens 95-83. KRD’s Kim Kong, skating for the Hayliens, had an 18-4 jam that took their lead up to 141-100. Not content with this lead, Kim Kong was out a few jams later and managed a 20-0 jam making the score 182-108.

What happened in the next jam shows why no team should be counted out in a roller derby match. TNTina took to the track as the jammer for the Crop Circlers and, in what became a power jam, managed to score 32 points compared to just three for the Hayliens. That brought the score to 185-140.

While they Crop Circlers still had an uphill battle, there was hope. At least there was hope until Bride of Skatinstein managed another 20-0 jam, putting the Hayliens up 214-141. Soon after, the final whistle blew and the Hayliens took the win, 215-149.

For the first bout, Bride of Skatinstein won the MVP Jammer for the Hayliens while Thunder Bunz was MVP Blocker. For the Crop Circles, Rainbow Bash was awarded MVP Jammer and Bouncin’ Betty was MVP Blocker.

After a brief intermission, the Star Grazers skated against the Tractor Beams. While the first bout was a lot of back and forth, particularly in the first half, this second match ended up being more lopsided in favor of the Star Grazers. They commanded a 52-5 lead after just seven jams. At half time, the Star Grazers extended their lead to 124-37.

The jammers for the Star Grazers were scoring nearly at will. In the first match, most of the lopsided jam scores were results of power jams, when the opposing jammer is in the penalty box meaning that team cannot score until the penalty for their jammer has ended. In this bout, there were fewer penalties to jammers overall, but the Star Grazers’ blockers were stymying the Tractor Beams’ jammers very effectively.

During an early second half jam, Bratty Cake, a jammer for the Star Grazers, skated by three of the blockers for the Tractor Beams, leaving just Stunt Double on defense for that team. Having competed against KRD several times, players and spectators know Stunt Double is one of the hardest blockers to get by on track.

Bratty Cake executed another of the many apex jumps seen in the Colosseum during these bouts, scored another point and sailed around the track once again. There seemed little that the Tractor Beams could do to catch up in the second half either.

When four minutes remained in the game, the Star Grazers managed to cross the 200-point mark and the score stood at 205-69. Even so, the Tractor Beams played as though there was all the time left in the world, trying as hard as they had the entire bout.

In the very last jam of the match, Bratty Cake faced off against Stunt Double once more, but this time they were both jammers. Bratty Cake managed to get lead jammer, but didn’t call off the jam even when the time had run out for the match (every jam has a maximum time limit of two minutes, but they can continue after the game clock runs out of time).

Slowing down to let Stunt Double catch up, Bratty Cake reached a hand out to her opponent. Taking the proffered hand, Bratty Cake proceeded to whip Stunt Double through the corner, the Tractor Beams jammer sailing off towards the pack. Smiles were on all the skaters faces showing the end score didn’t matter nearly as much as having fun.

In the second bout, MVP Jammer for the Star Grazers was Sweet TNT while MVP Blocker honors went to Captain Painway (both of whom are former KRD skaters). For the Tractor Beams, MVP Jammer was Johnny Crash and MVP Blocker was Luna Stormborn (both current KRD skaters).

Skaters, officials, volunteers, and fans all had a long day at the Calumet Colosseum. All four teams congratulated one another, high fives shared all around. Those who won relished the victory, to be sure, but everyone seemed to relish the camaraderie of bouts well skated.

Up next

At their final home bout of the season, KRD will host Rockford Rage Roller Derby on Saturday, Sept. 6, at the Calumet Colosseum. Tickets are available for $8 online before 10 p.m. on Friday, Sept. 5, or $10 at the window on bout day. Doors open at 5 p.m. with the first whistle at 6 p.m.