Dear Annie: I am the default holiday host for my extended family. My parents are divorced and both come, my sister arrives late and stressed with her kids, my brother shows up with whatever new girlfriend he is serious about, and my mother uses the whole day to quietly criticize everyone’s life choices, starting with mine.

By the time we sit down to dinner, I am so tense that one small comment can set off a chain reaction. Last year my mom made a remark about my sister’s children being “wild” and my sister burst into tears. My dad got defensive on her behalf, my brother cracked a joke that landed badly, and I ended up carving the turkey while everyone argued around me.

After everyone left, my husband told me he does not even enjoy Christmas anymore because it feels like we are hosting a live soap opera. I am starting to agree with him. I feel guilty if I do not invite everyone, guilty when they come and fight, and guilty when I even think about setting firmer boundaries.

I want Christmas to feel peaceful for my own kids, not like a holiday version of walking on eggshells. How do I change this pattern without becoming “the bad guy” who ruined Christmas? — Tired of Playing Holiday Referee

Dear Holiday Referee: First, please know that you did not create the drama. You just set the table where it happens.

You’ve been trying to make everyone happy, and it’s costing you your peace. It’s OK to say, “Not anymore.” You’re not the referee. You’re the host. You’re allowed to set the tone in your own home.

Talk to your family before the day. Tell them, “I love having everyone here, but the tension is too much. I want Christmas to feel calm for the kids and for us. So this year, no criticizing and no picking at each other. If it starts, we will end the visit early.”

You can also make the day smaller. Shorter visits, fewer people or two separate gatherings are all allowed. Protecting your home won’t ruin Christmas. You’re choosing peace.

Dear Annie: I feel like my entire life is built around not disappointing people.

I say yes at work when I am already stretched thin. I say yes to family favors, extra projects at my kid’s school and social plans I do not even want to attend. By the time I get a minute to myself, I am too tired to enjoy it. Then I lie awake feeling guilty that I am still not doing enough.

When I do try to say no, I feel selfish. My mother hints that I am not as “helpful” as I used to be. My boss says how much he appreciates that I always go the extra mile. Friends joke that I am “the reliable one.” It sounds like praise, but it also feels like a trap. If I stop being that person, will everyone be disappointed in me?

The truth is I am exhausted and starting to feel resentful. I love the people in my life. I want to show up for them. I just do not know how to do that without disappearing in the process. I would like to put myself on the list, too, but I honestly do not know what that looks like. I have spent years measuring my worth by how much I do for others.

How do I start setting boundaries without feeling like the bad guy, and how do I learn to say no without drowning in guilt? — Exhausted

Dear Exhausted: You’re not selfish for having limits. You’re human.

Start small: “I wish I could, but I cannot take that on right now,” and then stop talking. No long explanations. No apology paragraph. People who benefit from your overdoing it may grumble at first. Let them.

Your worth is not measured in favors. Protect your time so you have something left for a life, not just a to-do list.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2025 CREATORS.COM