Dear Annie: My three brothers and I are all senior citizens, and throughout our lives we have endured a very difficult relationship with our mother. From the time we were children, she was physically and emotionally abusive. She controlled us, manipulated us, lied to us and often gaslighted us.

Now that we are adults with families of our own, she has essentially cut us out of her life because we no longer comply with her demands or conform to her expectations. Her love has always been conditional, and every act of kindness seemed to come with strings attached.

Despite all of this, we truly loved her and hoped for a better relationship. Recently, I reached my breaking point. I wrote her a note explaining that I needed to step back for a while. I tried to express that I wanted a relationship with her, but one that included healthy boundaries. Unfortunately, she refuses to accept any criticism, and the verbal abuse has not stopped.

She is now in her 80s, and I feel torn. Part of me wonders if I should accept that I may never have the kind of relationship with her that I want. Another part of me wonders if there is any way to maintain some kind of connection without sacrificing my own well-being.

How do I handle this? Is it better to hold on and keep trying, or should I finally let go and accept that she will never change? — Worn Out Daughter

Dear Worn Out: You cannot change your mother, but you can change how much access she has to you. Abuse does not become acceptable because the abuser is elderly. You have every right to protect yourself and set firm boundaries, even if that means stepping away entirely.

If she cannot respect you without tearing you down, then the healthiest choice may be to accept that the relationship will never be what you wish it to be. It is painful, but sometimes letting go is an act of self-preservation, not selfishness. Surround yourself with the love of the family you have built, and allow that to bring you peace.

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