Dear Annie: I am 60 years old and the mother of five grown children. I raised them mostly on my own after my divorce, and those years were not easy. There were slammed doors, late nights waiting up and more than a few tearful arguments. My daughters, especially during their teenage years, could be painfully cruel with their words. But somehow, we all made it through.

These days, I am close to one of my daughters in particular. She calls often, leans on me for advice and turns to me whenever life throws her a curveball. I am always there with a listening ear, a home-cooked meal or a little financial help if she needs it. I love her deeply.

But our relationship has a painful edge. She can be harsh and unpredictable. The smallest misunderstanding can turn into an explosion. If I say the wrong thing, she snaps or shuts down. Her words sting more than she realizes, and afterward I am left sitting in silence wondering how we got here.

When I finally do speak up for myself, calmly and carefully, she threatens to cut me out of her life altogether. It feels like walking on eggshells around someone I love more than anything.

I do not want to lose her, but I also do not want to keep feeling small in her presence. How do I set boundaries without breaking our bond? — Tired and Torn

Dear Tired and Torn: What you describe is not love expressed in a healthy way. When someone constantly criticizes you, twists your words or threatens to cut you off the moment you stand up for yourself, that is emotional manipulation. It may include narcissistic traits or gaslighting, behaviors meant to keep you feeling guilty, confused or responsible for their moods.

Your daughter’s pain or stress does not give her permission to treat you badly. You deserve kindness and respect, even from your own child. When she becomes verbally abusive, calmly say, “I am not going to be spoken to like this,” and end the conversation. Leave the room, hang up or stop texting. Do it without anger or debate. Boundaries only work when they are consistent, not emotional.

Do not chase her or apologize for protecting yourself. Her threats to cut contact are a form of control, not love. If she chooses distance, let her. You have earned peace after years of giving.

Love her, but love yourself enough to stop accepting cruelty. Sometimes the healthiest act of motherhood is refusing to be someone’s punching bag.

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