Dear Annie: I have been married to my husband for 18 years, and in many ways he is a good man. He works hard, pays the bills, shows up for our children and has never been cruel or unfaithful. From the outside, I am sure people think I have nothing to complain about.

But inside our marriage, I feel painfully alone. My husband is emotionally and physically distant. He rarely holds my hand, hugs me without being asked, kisses me in the kitchen or says anything tender. We can sit on the same couch for an entire evening and feel like two people waiting at the same bus stop. If I try to talk about how lonely I feel, he gets quiet, defensive or says, “This is just how I am.”

He grew up in a very cold household. His parents did not say “I love you,” did not talk about feelings and certainly did not show much affection. I understand that he did not have a model for warmth, and I have tried to be patient and compassionate. But I am tired of being the only one reaching across the gap.

I do not want to leave him. I want my husband. I want laughter, touch, tenderness and the feeling that I am more than his roommate, scheduler and co-manager of our home.

How do I ask for more love from a man who seems to have no idea how to show it? — Lonely in My Own Marriage

Dear Lonely: You are right about one very important thing. Understanding where your husband’s coldness came from does not make your loneliness disappear. His childhood explains the behavior, but it still hurts you.

Your husband may not be naturally affectionate. But love is not just a feeling. It is also a skill. And skills can be learned, if a person is willing.

Be clear and specific. Do not say, “You are distant.” Say, “I need a hug when you come home.” Or “I need us to hold hands when we walk.” Or “I need 20 minutes at night when we talk without phones.” Some people who were raised without affection truly do not know what warmth looks like in daily life.

Then stop begging and start inviting. Say, “I love you. I do not want to live like roommates. I want to feel close to you again, and I need your help.” Ask him to go to marriage counseling with you. Not because he is broken but because the pattern between you is starving the marriage.

And while you work on the marriage, do not make your husband your only source of emotional oxygen. Call a friend. Join a group. Take a class. Walk with someone who makes you laugh. Loneliness gets louder in isolation.

You cannot force him to become warm overnight. But you can tell the truth. You can ask for what you need. And you can stop pretending crumbs are a meal. A good man who loves his wife should be willing to learn how to reach for her.

“Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness” is out now! Annie Lane’s third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com. COPYRIGHT 2026 CREATORS.COM