OK, you got us: The American media has been for years and even unto this day secretly rigging all the elections in all 50 state governments, all of which believe they have so-called “independence” in holding elections.

Silly Earthling states. Thinking they’re independent.

Now that the cat’s out of the bag, we just wonder how Donald Trump discovered this. Among the thousands of working journalists out there, who snitched? Maybe he’s just a yuge genius.

Or maybe Trump is in fact one of the Time Lords.

We can’t tell you who or what group is controlling every outlet of so-called “mainstream media” – MSM, according to the non-media visionaries who’ve been claiming universal media bias for decades. We literally can’t, because we don’t know. They rule over all the newspaper chains, from Ogden Newspapers (which owns this and three other newspapers in the U.P.) to Gannett. We just refer to them as the Time Lords.

Hail, Lord Trump.

It’s all done by mind control. We wrap tin foil around our heads with a tube on top (a straw works fine), sit at a keyboard and type the thoughts that beam through the tube. There’s an app for that – “Tinfoilmind” at the app store.

The Chassell Directive

As the newspaper for Ontonagon, Houghton, Keweenaw and Baraga counties, our Time Lord directive is rigging local elections, like Chassell Township’s referendum to disconnect from the Portage Lake District Library. Again, we are not privy to why the Lords want us to keep Chassell in the library district, so we put the most positive spin on it – propaganda like promoting knowledge and socialist drivel like the community as a whole helping all their neighbors access information to enhance their quality of life.

It seems local forces that oppose such concepts have caught on to Trump’s revelation, claiming in a mailing that this newspaper and the library have joined together “to protect a revenue stream that benefits them at our expense.”

We’re stymied. Where’s our cut of this “revenue stream”? The Time Lords have not deemed it necessary for us to know.

That and many more lies are packed into that mailing. If you don’t believe anything else in this editorial, believe that.

Leaving Earth Behind

So why is MSM as one, single, united entity doing the bidding of the Time Lords? Because the Lords have assured us that when this rigged election destroys the country, they will send us a spaceship to take us back to the home planet, abandoning the Earthlings to forever be informed by the universe of fantasy news on social media.

A Daily Mining Gazette editorial