Metro Creative

Slowly, we are moving into Summer. That means relatives, hot dogs, beaches, and fishing, all the good things we enjoy. It is also a time for many here in the north country to visit relatives. Often, these people have moved away from the area for multiple reasons, but always long to come back, if only to visit.

Family is a group of people who are joined by birth in various degrees of relationship. Perhaps the most powerful group is the first family, that is, the parents and the children from that union. Children can be classified as genetic siblings or as any other child adopted or raised in that family unit.

Why am I bringing this up now? This time of the year, or at least for the next couple of sunny months, you may be dealing with family, extended family, siblings, relatives of one kind or another. These ties to our personal lives are precious but also bring with them all kinds of memories, both good and not so good. They challenge us, as people, to have patience and oftentimes love for the member of the group who challenges us with a story or a comment. I think everyone reading this can relate.

Psychology has shown that we are multiple people, and that environment, nurturing, genetics, social interactions, and spiritual growth all play a part in shaping our conscious self. This concept we have of ourselves is continually changing. However, when relatives arrive, social interaction with others in our family often involves telling or retelling a story in which we are involved, and for a moment, we do not recognize the person they are presenting in their story. This can cause deep hurt: that we were seen this way, that we said something, or that we did not treat someone fairly. This is another person’s opinion or view of the situation. Our first reaction is to hit back, feel anger, and, in extreme cases, exile this person and these memories from our very lives.

Families are a mixture of many moving parts. I want you to try to see that these judgments are often just other people’s observations. They may not be true to facts; they may be the result of jealousy on the part of the person looking at you. They can even be fictitious stories in which you appear. Keep in mind that these incidents can snare us into conflict with others. Step away and realize you have a choice: get entangled in the situation or just step back and see what is going on. Isn’t it interesting that it is often the family we think should know us who pose the biggest challenge to us? Why? Because we think they should know us! It is difficult, but step away. These are in every family, and often each family member has their own history of the family. The history they see may not be accurate, and arguing and hating people over these narratives is hurtful. Rise above it. Is this easy? No, it is not. Frequently, we feel this is an attack on our person, and we get angry and attack back. Don’t. Remember you are loved by God, and that what the other person says about you is talk that comes from jealousy, stupidity, or both.

Humility is a great virtue when dealing with family. Humility says, “I know who I am, and I forgive you for your comments.” Stepping away can be disarming for the commentator, but it also helps keep the peace, which can defuse the situation.

I bring this up because I see this happening in my own family. I myself have been wounded by family members saying things that have hurt. I write this to tell you that you know who you are, and that we are loved by God and following his path. Family confrontations are just words. Family dynamics are often not visible or understood by outsiders. I am always cautious about making judgments about a family’s dynamics. Outsiders often do not know what is going on or get it wrong.

Jesus often gave the greeting in scripture, “Peace be with you.” Peace is difficult in our times, the deep peace that calms our souls and gives clarity to our choices. It is this deep peace that we all crave. Peace calms and allows us to move forward in our lives with certainty and true stillness. Family interactions can upset that peace. Move above the situations and keep that peace in your day. I know this is not easy, but if you do it several times in conflicts, you will find it gets easier and so much more beneficial to your life and the interactions with others. We are the winners if we can keep a distance between those who challenge us into conflict.

God’s peace be with you.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid” (John 14:27)